I [M28] am having a hard time coming to terms with the truth about my family in-law and am feeling constantly smothered and pressured to hide vulnerabilities when I am around them.

I am having an incredibly hard time being around my in-law family. This is due to ongoing patterns of micro-aggressions, gaslighting, and an overall feeling of indifference toward my and my wife's lives.

My wife considers herself very close to her siblings. In the first six years of our relationship, we were all very close. I spent many occasions being a support for my in-law family and was always the first to lend a hand, lend money, babysit, help move house etc. I believe this 'people-pleasing' behaviour may have stemmed from my own fragile and toxic family and upbringing and perhaps I was seeking out a 'healthy' family dynamic in my wife's family.

Unfortunately, in the past year there isn't a single interaction with her family where I don't walk away feeling awful about myself. Examples of toxic family behaviour in the past six months:

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• Reached out to my SIL on two occasions to express our desire to see her and her family and offered to schedule a date to have dinner. Both requests were ignored and unanswered. We have never discussed this.
• When driving to attend BIL(1)'s recent birthday (1.5 hours drive), SIL called my wife and asked her to help call others and re-direct the party to MIL's house (without notice) because she didn't feel like completing the 1.5 hour drive (she has a three year old and is a parent - this is the excuse always) and was running an hour late at the time of the call. There were 12 people in attendance.
• BIL(2) who hasn't spoken to us in months has sent a group message asking everyone to pay for his partner's birthday present and asked us to transfer money... no acknowledgement or thanks was offered upon completion of the transaction.
• When my wife's grandma passed from Covid, BIL(1) publicly scolded my wife and I for being "late" with the flowers although we had shown up two hours prior to the service as agreed. Suspect he may have been in grief (as was my wife - his sister) but also suspect he was using the opportunity to self-aggrandise and portray himself as being a supportive son and grandson. I'd also spent the previous two weeks consoling their mother and helping arrange the service (which MIL expressed disappointment that her children were not). When I expressed confusion at the public dressing-down I was told to "calm down" and "it's okay - just think next time".
• BIL(2) scolded me at a family dinner because I asked my FIL if he could please pass my phone charger from a table near him as he walked past. He did. It was a non-issue. BIL(2) reminded me that FIL had recently undergone hand surgery (4 weeks ago) and couldn't be passing things like phone chargers... again, I don't believe this was a genuine concern - but rather an opportunity to self-aggrandise.
• SIL recently sent a group message requesting everyone attend her house the next week to help her move in and unpack. The day of, she messaged everyone to say she "thought" she'd told everyone and that the move was being postponed to the next day. Due to the last minute re-scheduling, I was unable to attend. It got back to me that my absence was commented on.

What has really pushed me over the edge however is that I was recently asked by my MIL if I could feed her cat while she went away camping. She advised me that the entire family were going camping and upon putting two-and-two together, invited my wife and I saying there is room for everyone... forgetting that two minutes earlier she asked me to be available to feed her cat while the trip took place. It has also been planned and we haven't heard a word about it... I don't want to say anything to my wife because I think it will really hurt her feelings.

As I said, I think I was seeking support in an external family and that made me a bit of a people-pleaser while also overlooking some serious red flags. I would like to draw a line in the sand and really forge my own path away from these people. Of course, I will continue attending family events and anything my wife wants to attend, but I will be making a conscious effort to not initiate communication with my in-laws and not involving myself in their lives when I can avoid it.

This is a very hard situation for me however as I find myself almost grieving for the loss of these relationships that were once so rich and fulfilling. They have now become one-way relationships from which my wife and I are only taken from. I am never asked how I am doing, how I am going, what is new.

How do I turn off my anger and bad feelings here? How do I attend family gettogethers and "act" like everything is fine (for the sake of peace and no drama) while protecting myself and my heart?

TL;DR: I am seeking advice for dealing with a large toxic in-law family that make me feel awful about myself. How do I empower myself in this situation and come to terms with this dynamic while maintaining peace?

Submitted October 23, 2021 at 04:32AM by Comprehensive_Ant721 https://ift.tt/3EdNAw5