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My husband and I have been married for 6 years now, together for 10.
When I met him, he was very shy and insecure. He didn't have many friends, just one or two from childhood who he had grown distant from. He wasn't happy with the situation and neither was I because I saw what a great person he is and how fun he is to be around. Often at weekends we felt lonely and sad that we didn't have 'couple' friends to do things with. I suggested lots of things to him that we could do together to meet people (dancing, going to games nights, picking up a hobby), but he was always very negative about it.
About me: I moved from the US to his country to be with him a few years ago when we got married and I left all my friends and family behind. I work full time but since Covid happened I haven't been able to see my colleagues (they were the only social life I had). I am a shy person and I am very introverted but I am friendly and never had trouble making friends back home. I mostly find it difficult to make friends here because of the language barrier. I'm still learning and taking classes, I passed the language exams you need to live here and can get by day to day but I find deep conversations like you would have with friends very hard, so things never go beyond the surface level. We live in the middle of nowhere.
About 3 years ago, my husband showed interest in picking up a sport which required a large investment upfront (think, if you want to pick up skiing you have to buy the equipment, if you want to get into cycling you need a race bike etc). He didn't have enough money to be able to do this and I really wanted to support him so I gave him half of the amount. I also find the sport really interesting and fun and was happy to do something to cheer him up. I knew I would get something out of it too. I thought: happy husband, happy life.
Well, it went even better than expected and now he had a big group of friends, people wanting to hang out with him every weekend, there's always a party or an event or a competition. Everyone loves him. He didn't change, he's always been happy and fun and now everyone else is seeing it. I am truly happy for him because he deserves it. But, I'm sure you can see where this is going, I feel like I lost my shy husband and I still don't have any friends myself. His friends are nice to me but they're not really interested in getting to know me beyond small talk. I feel like a hanger on. I have been pushed out of the way and I sometimes get mean glares from other women. I really stand out here as a foreigner. People look straight through me. It's bizarre and hurtful.
I think what is comes down to is this:
- I made so many sacrifices for him and for our relationship and I feel like I got nothing back for me (moving countries, him quitting his job, spending my money on his dream).
- I feel like since we met, he has risen and grown as a person and I have shriveled and died and I don't even know who I am anymore. I am lost.
- He also changed careers a few years ago and is now more successful at work too, but I am burned out and stressed from working overtime in a job I hate to support us both during the years he was switching and he doesn't see the issue because we are financially better off now.
- I love him and he is a sweet and kind person, he always includes me in events, always brings me everywhere, never disrespects me or entertains the women throwing themselves at him. He acknowledges that I have done a lot for him. I just don't feel good enough for him anymore.
- We were both lonely, but I neglected to do anything about making friends for me. I put my effort and energies into helping him make friends thinking that it would be good for both of us. Instead, he now has friends and I am just his wife. The reason I did this is that I am introverted and prefer my own company most of the time. So I never felt as bad as he did about not having people to hang out with. But now I feel shit compared to him and maybe I need friends more than I thought.
- My hobbies are all things that you tend to do alone.
- Part of me feels like: I saw you when you were down and no one else cared and I did everything to lift you up. Now you are happy, why can you not see I am struggling and put that same effort into helping me? I know this is a 'me' problem that I should fix myself, I'd just like some support.
I am not looking for a character assassination of either me or my husband. No divorce, no quitting hobbies, please no insults or whatever. I'm just looking for outside perspectives on how I can overcome these feelings and be happy again. Maybe someone else here has gone through this? Sometimes you can't see what is right in front of you.
TL;DR:
My husband went from having no friends and being poor to being successful and popular and I am feeling alone and sad because of the sacrifices I made to help him succeed (moved countries to be with him, worked myself to the bone so he could change careers and then gave him money for his dreams). We have talked about it and he understands and sympathizes with me, but he can't fix it or change the past and I don't really want to keep going on about it to him because I don't want to ruin his happiness or make things worse.
Submitted October 27, 2021 at 03:54AM by ledsenpanda1 https://ift.tt/3Cn4V4X
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