My [28f] boyfriend [35M] loves planning parties yet never does anything for my birthday even though he reassures me every year that he will. It just reminds me why I hate my birthday.

I hate my birthday. It happens near one of the most inconvenient times of the year and a lot of the time people are too busy to celebrate. I used to plan birthday parties but it always seemed like a hassle for even my own family to show up and then eventually everyone just stopped coming.

I told my current partner of almost 10 years this before we started dating but he said he would not allow another birthday to go uncelebrated, especially since he's someone that loves to plan parties. He will do anything to celebrate and make it a big affair.

In our first year of dating he planned a big surprise party for my birthday. I had never felt so loved on my birthday. The year after? Nothing really. He apologized and said it just got really busy so I told him if he didn't have time to plan something just let me know and I can help him plan or find something to do so I can distract myself. He said that made him sad, like I don't trust that he will plan something for me. I explained that it's not that I don't trust him to do something, it just feels like reopening old wounds whenever my birthday passes when I was told there are plans. If I can avoid that by knowing in advance it makes the day go by easier. But every year he would get my hopes up and then nothing happens.

I've tried to show him the effort I would like by making sure his birthday is celebrated. Though I'm somewhat traumatized about throwing parties because of all the times no one showed up to my birthday parties I always do something for his birthday.

My birthday last year was particularly difficult. In the weeks leading up I had hinted that we can do a movie marathon, go for a scenic drive, spend the day cooking/baking. He kept telling me not to worry about it - he got it all figured out. I woke up to him playing computer games. I asked him when I should be ready and he said due to the pandemic we couldn't do anything. He apologized. I asked if he wanted to watch movies with me and he said yes, he just wanted to take a quick nap. I got started on a movie but after the first movie and a half I realized it wasn't a quick nap and I just started crying. I cried for hours until eventually I fell asleep as well. That night he woke me up and apologized for sleeping so long but that he was ready for a movie marathon. I quietly got up, went to the bedroom and went back to sleep. I made the decision that my birthday is just another day in the year - to spare myself the sadness.

Last weekend I told him I was inviting a few people over for this weekend. Nothing big, but we had just moved in and we were settling into our place. He went immediately into "it should be a halloween party!". He's been in a frenzy of party planning. I WFH and he's off today so I've been seeing him plan all day. On my break I went to go sit with him when I saw him putting together another grocery run list because he thought of something else. I burst into tears. I told him that it sucks to see him so invested in making sure people enjoy themselves for this meaningless weekend when for my birthday last year he spent majority of the day sleeping. He immediately got defensive and called me an asshole for bringing up something I should've gotten over by now. I asked him how he's able to pull a party together in less than a week but can't seem to put anything together for my birthday. He told me I'm an asshole, selfish, and ungrateful for all the effort he puts into the other parties he throws throughout the year, like this one.

Am I really coming off as ungrateful? How do I stop being selfish and get over my resentment toward him?

tl;dr: I hate my birthday because of where it falls in the year and how inconvenient it is for everyone, but my boyfriend reassured me that he will always celebrate my birthday. In the almost decade we've been together he hasn't done much for my birthday but always finds time to celebrate other things and I'm resentful toward him now.

Submitted October 27, 2021 at 12:15PM by throwawaybday__ https://ift.tt/3CpneXg