Sorry for reposting, but my last post got deleted for using curse words..
(I realize that I am almost certainly going to trigger some people dealing with the opposite side of this, and I want to say I am so sorry you are dealing with that. I hope that you can find it in your heart to help me see this from your view of it. I also want to make it very clear that I do not have feeling for the other person. I do not want to or have plans to cheat, and am already in the process of cutting off the other person. This isn’t a post about whether I’m going to cheat and needing to be told why I shouldn’t. I need help/suggestions on how to get my relationship in a place where I am seeking out this attention from my husband and not a random person.)
I (30F) have been married for 5 years to my husband (37M). He struggles with mental health issues. I struggle with codependency. Needless to say we have issues in our marriage as a result of our individual issues. He has the tendency to say really awful things when he’s mad and we are fighting. Years of hearing what a (b word, bad wife, sl*t for dressing that way, etc) I am, even though he says he’s just pushing a button when we’re fighting, has taken its toll on me. Despite wanting intimacy in general, I’m having a hard time wanting it with him. Or, rather, I think my distrust of him is affecting my ability to be intimate with him. It’s hard to believe I’m a beautiful woman he wants to get down with and not the (insert awful name) he claims I am when he is in a rage.
Recently, someone I work with tangentially (a contractor at my office but not full time, more like a few days a month) has shown what later become obviously an interest in me. Initially it was 100% innocent and friendly, literally just normal conversation. It slowly progressed thru “you look so nice in that” to “you’re so beautiful” until he finally said he was sexually attracted to me. I never really reciprocated. But I’ll admit I didn’t stop it either. I would sort of laugh it off at first, saying things like “I’ll let (husband) know this blouse is an office favorite.” Then as things kept going downhill at home, I found myself seeking it out. I’d go to the conference room when he was at work to cause an interaction. I found myself dressing a little sexier, curling my hair after he mentioned how he thought it would look good on me. I had a dream about him and felt awful and sad. Yet three days later I told him about it. I sat in my office kicking myself over it for three days and as soon as he showed up it just blurted out. I am 100% certain I did so because I wanted to see his reaction, in hopes that it would be positive and give me an ego boost.
I know the way I’m typing this out even is minimizing my part in it. I considered deleting and rewriting but I thought the fact that I am doing this might be insightful to the facts. I hate myself for feeling this way. I feel awful and guilty. And yet when I’m around this other person it’s like all caution goes out the door and the part of my brain that says not to do it shuts off. I am not even sexually attracted to this person. We don’t text, have solo lunches, or anything else that might be getting close to what would normally be considered a more intense emotional affair. But he recently came into my office and touched my back and I got the tingles.
I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. I have been cheated on before and was crushed. I know that a big part of this is the compliments untainted by years of fights. More so than even the “relationship” with this gentleman, this whole situation has just made me more “open” or curious about what my life could be if I was single or married to someone else or just not married to my husband.
My husband and I are already in marriage counseling dealing with our other issues. I haven’t had the courage to bring this up yet. I know he will almost certainly not believe me that nothing has happened. I know he will need to process it and I do understand that. But Obviously there needs to be some significant discussion about what is going on in our relationship that I’m Seeking out this kind of attention.
I love my husband. I am sick of the way he treats me. I’m frustrated by my inability to move past the issues to at least be intimate with my husband. I genuinely don’t want to feel this way or do these things. it’s obvious to me that forcing myself to stop all communication with this gentleman wouldn’t fix things between me and my husband. And it concerns me that this has created the feelings or “daydream” of not being with my husband anymore.
I want to be clear that I’ve already decided to stop all non necessary communication with the other person. And that I need to bring this up in marriage counseling.
But I want to know, does this show that that our relationship is simply Unfixable? Has anyone else been able to dig themselves out of a situation like this with their marriage intact? Beyond talking and letting him process with space, what worked for you or your partner in moving past this kind of situation (both my thoughts of infidelity and my lack of desire for intimacy with him? Is divorce really the only option?
TL; DR: office flirtation went too far, can (and how do) I help myself and my spouse to move on?
Submitted October 23, 2021 at 08:01AM by throwawayW1fe https://ift.tt/3E0M8wW
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