I am an Irish woman (33f) , living in Germany. My name is Aoife, pronounced "EE-fa”. I've worked with people from probably 20 countries, including Germany, and I've never met anyone who couldn't physically pronounce it once they were told how to. All of the vocal sounds in Aoife exist in German, and also in English.
I met a German guy named Michael (38m) on Bumble and he suggested we go on a date, which we did. At the start of it I said "hey, I'm Aoife" but we were in a noisy place so he could be forgiven for not hearing. For all of that date, he never once addressed me by name, or brought it up. When texting me afterwards, he would use my name in conversation, like you would expect someone to. He texted me every day and seemed keen.
Date 2 and 3 happened. I pronounced my own name a couple of times, when paraphrasing funny things my parents/friends say to me, etc. In between the dates, he still texts me every day, uses my name in texts, but again, when he sees me in person, does not address me by name at all. At this point it's really beginning to bother me. For date 4, he suggested going to a concert with his friends, but I declined, mostly because I would be too embarrassed to be introduced to strangers by a guy who doesn't even know my name.
We ended up going to a bar by ourselves for Date 4. Towards the end of the date, he goes "So is Ayf a common name in Ireland?". I said "oh, it's pronounced EE-fa". I said in a lighthearted way "have you spent the last 4 dates not knowing how to say my name? You should have asked!" and he just shrugged and said "you never told me". I said lightheartedly "would you not just Google it? There's videos online about how to pronounce Irish names" and he said "no". He argues that it isn't phonetic. I said "it is phonetic, in the language it's written in." He argues again that "it isn't phonetic" and I said "Different languages have different pronunciation rules. Irish has different pronunciation rules to German". For the rest of the conversation, he uses my name in conversation like you'd expect someone to, and I figure that's the end of it.
Date 5, he's back to just dodging my name entirely. And date 6. And date 7. I was sick for a week and then we went on Date 8 and it's the same thing. He doesn't know how to pronounce my name. And he won't take 5 seconds to just Google it. He just calls me "You". He's known me 2 months at this point. It's significant enough that he's asked me to meet his friends. I find it so hurtful that he won't even make that much effort to make our conversations somewhat personal. Referring to me as "you" all the time makes me feel like someone he's just bumped into in an elevator. I don't know how to bring it up again. He knows how to write it, he does it all the time, but he doesn't see fit to learn how to pronounce it. It's foreign, so it seems like it's not worth the effort to him. It feels very xenophobic. I don't think I'd have this problem if I had a German or English name.
This isn't even the first time I've had this problem with Germans since moving to Germany. Last year, I went on 4 dates with a different German guy and had the exact same situation . When I asked him "why do you never call me by my name?" he just shrugged and said he didn't know how to say it, then he ghosted and blocked me a few hours later. Some German acquaintances have openly mocked me about "stupid Irish names". Our native language is different to German, so therefore, in some people's eyes, it's inferior. It's ok for Spanish, or Japanese, or French to be different, but not Irish. I'm worn out from having to defend my own native language.
Michael is otherwise very nice, but I can't stand being called "You" all the time because this guy - who has published research papers about physics - won't take 5 minutes to research the first page of Google search results of "how to pronounce Aoife". It makes me feel so hurt and worthless. I find it impossible to take him seriously or believe he has any genuine interest in me when he won't even take the time to learn my name. It's foreign, so I guess he thinks he can just pretend it doesn't exist. A person's name is literally the very first thing you learn about them, it's a fundamental part of their self. In my current job, I work with Americans, Canadians, English, and Indian people, and they make the effort and call me by my name. Why can't the guy I'm dating for the last 2 months do the same?
TL;DR I'm 33f, he's 38m, been seeing him for 2 months, but he won't call me by my (foreign) name even though I've already explained how it's pronounced and he is easily able to pronounce it. He still calls me "You" and won't learn how to pronounce it and it feels so disrespectful and xenophobic.
Am I overreacting if I ditch him?
Submitted October 07, 2021 at 02:30AM by LooseAttention7643 https://ift.tt/2YpQ0Iq
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