My (34F) husband (32M) of 9 years revealed to me he is in a very deep depression. Scared, shocked and unsure how to handle this?

Hi everyone! I'm still a little shaken up from what happened last night, and I really have no one to talk about this to as my husband is a very private person and I want to respect that. I'm looking for a little unbiased opinions here. I apologise for the length.

My husband Roman and I have been married for 9 years. Roman is an immigrant, I'm a dual citizen, we live in the US right now. He came here to marry me and gave up his life there, which was pretty vibrant and exciting. I have always understood this sacrifice and we thought he'd get his citizenship in the normal 3-4 years. It took 8.5, we were denied under the Trump administration twice, even though we own a business together, Roman has a great job, and we own property together.

We have had our ups and down of course, but always had a very strong bond. However, living in the US has had a lot of challenges for Roman. In his home country, he had many many friends who he interacted with daily. Here, he has not found his people. He has not made a single true friend. I used to think it was because he works from home (IT) but he's always been in the same industry, he's a tech nomad. I myself moved to the US in my late teens and have also not found my people, so I can relate to this, although as I have gotten older it matters less to me. He speaks fluent English, is very outgoing, really a marvelous person. However the culture here is so different from his home country, he feels confused by the American "friendliness" where people will exchange numbers with him, and then ghost him. Trust me when I say it is not from a lack of openness or trying. We have lived in four different cities and its always the same situation.

We recently visited a different city and he really liked it. We're selling our investment property soon and I put together a cute packet with info on that city to ask him if he wanted to try there. He loved the pamphlet, we talked about it, and the conversation took a turn about what the future was holding. Roman also suffers with seasonal depression and we live in a large Northern city known for its difficult winters. We'd recently decided he'd go on a "working vacation" to a warm place for Jan & Feb, I'm in nursing school and would stay here and hold down the fort. We've taken many separate vacations in the past and loved it because everything is fresh and new when we meet back up. I've always cherished the trust in our marriage.

He told me "there's nothing inside me, I am just a shell". When I pressed gently for what he meant by this, he went on to say "I'm not made for this life, it feels like slavery, I need to be surrounded by outgoing, imaginative, creative people. I'm a free spirit and I feel completely empty inside." This scared me and I asked him what he meant. He said "We need to figure out where to meet in the middle, like where is home? We need to be happy as individuals to make this better."

I had noticed recently that intimacy had dropped off and have been aggressively working out, dressing better, using better skincare products, eating better even though I am still my same slim size etc. I really thought it was me and now I'm finding out he has this black empty pit inside him and I don't know how to help him.

I asked if there was someone else. He said no "If you're really asking if I'm interested in other women, the answer is no". I believe him. He has never lied to me.

I asked him if he still loves me. He said "I love you unconditionally, who else do we have in this world besides each other, I feel very strongly bonded to you, I just feel empty". I believe this as well because his actions toward me have not changed.

He does not often talk about his emotions (he is from a Slavic country) and was raised by a physically abusive father and emotionally absent mother. His parents were so neglectful he doesn't even know his mother's birthday for example, or how his parents met. I was raised in alcoholic household but have processed and overcome this with a lot of self work and some therapy.

I cried for hours and hours. We drove around the city until midnight talking about this. We went to bed and he held me and this morning is acting his usual self. I am still heartbroken and scared because I don't know how to fix this. We agreed last night to pack up the topic for the night and discuss it again soon, at his request.

What can I do here? I know for a fact for him therapy is off the table and I'm not going to force him. But I am very very scared about what this means because this depression sounds serious. I want Roman to be happy, I don't want to lose my marriage to him.

Has anyone been through anything similar?

Tl;dr beloved normally stoic husband of 9 years reveals he is in a deep depression after talks about the next step in our future. It sounds serious, I am very scared, I want him to be happy and not lose him.

Submitted October 04, 2022 at 09:36AM by bananabagandativan https://ift.tt/dh6B4Lz