Should I (26m) tell my GF (26f) that her family is one of the main reasons I'm ending the relationship?

I've made the decision to part ways with my girlfriend, and I don't want to simply say "It's over," and walk away. I'm not trying to read out an essay either, but I want to at least let her know why I feel it is not a good fit in a few sentences. One of these reasons is related to her family. My gf is incredibly close to her mom and has always lived at home. I don't believe there is anyone (romantic partner included) that could come close to being as important to my gf as her mom. The issue is that my gf bends over backward, allows herself to be gaslighted, and hurts herself because of this intense attachment she has for her mom. As an example, her mom was worried about my gf talking about her in therapy. So her mom (even in front of me) gave my gf the silent treatment and made it extremely uncomfortable to be around her. My gf tried explaining that she wouldn't talk about her in therapy, but her mom said she couldn't trust her. After a week of this, my gf suspended therapy indefinitely. So without explicitly saying so, her mom stopped my gf (a frontline health worker during a pandemic) from accessing therapy. And at the same time, my gf started to internalize these ideas of untrustworthiness, and that she wasn't being fair to her mom. After a few painful discussions (where I was sometimes dismissed because "I didn't know the whole story"), I at least made it to a point where my gf stopped believing it was 100% her fault.

This happened a few months ago, and now every minute I have to spend at my girlfriend's house is mentally and emotionally taxing. I have to pretend that I'm okay that my gf's mom is manipulative and deeply hurting one of her kids. I have to put on the good boyfriend act constantly, and I don't feel like I can ever talk about it anymore with my partner because she thinks it'll get better if we move in together. But I cannot imagine 26 years of behavioral patterns improving suddenly with a bit more distance (we'll still be in the same city if we'd move in together). It obviously doesn't address the underlying issue. And because my girlfriend wants her mom to continue to be a centerpiece in her life, I feel like moving out is likely to change very little.

All of this has definitely made me become more distant in the relationship. I'm just not excited to spend time with my girlfriend because her family is always around, and even when we get out, I can't stop thinking about the toxic behavior that goes unaddressed. I also think about integrating my life into that web, and all it does is give me anxiety. It's strange, all my serious relationships have been with people with distant families that hated me for racial reasons. It definitely wasn't fun, but because my partner had very little contact and a minimal relationship with their family, it actually wasn't that terrible to navigate. My current gf's family absolutely loves me, but it's oppressive, and I feel like I'm dating the family as much as I'm dating the woman.

Tldr; My girlfriend self-sacrifices herself to an extreme to protect her relationship with her manipulative mom. It's depressing, gives me anxiety, and I don't want to become enmeshed in the family. Is it productive to let her know this was a deciding factor in ending the relationship?

Submitted March 22, 2021 at 07:59PM by ThrowAwayPapaya1 https://ift.tt/3tOkTAK