Is it worth telling a lifelong friend (we're both 37F) exactly why you don't enjoy talking to her as much anymore, or is it better to keep saying I'm "busy"?

tl;dr I've realized during Covid that I don't enjoy talking to my oldest friend. Should I have a frank talk about her behaviors that bother me or should I slowly drift away and keep making excuses to avoid phone calls?

This feels like a junior high problem but here I am. "Carol" was my best friend in high school. We have remained friends since, but in the past 3-4 years I find that I dread seeing her or even talking to her on the phone. She's very self-pitying and all she ever talks about is how everyone from her ex husband to her patients to her boss is mean to her. Also, ever since we were kids, she has never really tried to make close friends other than her mom and her sister. Here's what's starting to bug me more and more over time.

1. She doesn't have any anecdotes that don't involve her mom and sister. Quoting your mom and your sisiter is pretty much the same thing as talking about yourself all the time, even though she def. does not see it that way.
2. She doesn't have a lot of friends, and she has set up her life that way on purpose to avoid criticism. She can't handle it. The very few times I've suggested to her that something she did was not okay, she brought out the self-pitying language to the point that *I* ended up having to apologize to *her*.
3. I've told her to get professional help (and she asked advice about getting a shrink once) but she ultimately refused, because she's embarrassed and doesn't even want her name on insurance records. She's literally a millionaire and so I told her, just pay cash and the insurance companies won't have to be involved, and the therapist will be required to keep your identity private. But she resisted and said something about how it's un-Christian (that's another topic).

Recently during lockdown, because we can only stay in touch via phone... I've come to realize I don't even enjoy talking to her. I don't think I realized till Covid. During normal times, we'd get lunch or see a movie or whatever and it was fine because there's that central activity: You can talk about the food and enjoy it.

I've been trying to be understanding because a lot of people are not coping with Covid well. I emailed her saying "Did you ever find a therapist? Let me know if you want a referral and I will get one for you." No response.

I'm working on a very time consuming work project and was also studying for an exam. On our last call she said, "Well now that your exam is over, why don't you call me again in a few weeks?" which to me came across as passive aggressive and it's very disrespectful to my work. Here's the other thing--she's a doctor and she seems to think, without realizing it, that all other jobs are kind of unimportant. She has never said so explicitly, but it's obvious in her behavior. Ask her what she thinks a PR person or investment banker does during the day and she has no idea, but she complains about how no one understands how hard a doctor's life is. She also complains about how hard it is to raise a young son on her own. She has never said this, but I know for a fact that she thinks that since I'm not a doctor and I'm not a single mom, my time is a joke and I owe her more communication.

So why be her friend? Well, she's my only remaining tie to my past, as I am estranged from my family (abuse, long story). And she's never pulled anything like betrayal or intentional meanness. I know that if I simply cut ties over this, I'd regret it years from now. I've been trying to avoid her but she's not stupid and she knows something is up. I imagine she is either angry or hurt. Should I just tell her what's bothering me or should I just keep being "busy"? Telling the truth seems more respectful to her than lying, but it will probably end the friendship.

Submitted March 31, 2021 at 01:46AM by hoorayhenrietta https://ift.tt/31BejkJ