I (35F) ran away from my life, my husband (38M), kids (10F, 8M, & 5M), and job, and I don't think I can ever go back.

I have crippling depression for all of my life, but is generally under control with medication. I function very well at work and I am the sole breadwinner. But I don't function at all at home. When I get home, I turn off and am unable to do even very basic things to function, or to take care of my home and family.. All of my self worth comes from being successful at work.

My husband of 10 years has developed intense hatred of me. He has no compassion for me whatsoever and wouldn't care if I died. I don't blame him. It can't be easy to be married to someone like me.

I left home 4 hours ago and just started driving. I am in a hotel now for at least tonight. Not sure what city, but maybe 2 hours drive from my home. I left 2 messages for my psychiatrist because I want to have an appointment with him tomorrow.

I am scared. I don't want to ever go home. I love my children with all my heart, but I'm a terrible mom. They are honestly better off without me. If I do go home, I can't bear to see my husband. I want him to leave. I don't know what to do. I want to live and be ok, but I'm afraid I am going to die. I took Monday and Tuesday off from work, so I don't need to go back for a couple days.

How do I ask my husband to leave? Do I ask a friend or family member to talk to him? He will explode and I can't do it. I never want to speak to him again.

TL;DR I am depressed and want to leave my life behind because everyone hates me. How do I move forward?

Submitted March 28, 2021 at 12:53PM by SoChaGeo https://ift.tt/3sydtkP