Apologies for this long and potentially confusing post... Maybe I just need to vent. Happy to answer any questions that come up. We’ve been together for two years, and overall are very communicative and supportive of each other; there’s a super solid foundation of trust and love between us, and I really do adore him.
I have been thinking a lot about the concept of lasting love, and knowing that it comes from a foundation of shared values, open communication, etc etc… I feel a lot of potential between my partner and I, except for this quiet tension building in the background, the concern that we aren’t actually compatible… and writing that out sucks. I don’t want to feel this way.
My previous relationships have been more intense, intoxicating and tumultuous, with high highs and low lows. The intensity was probably addictive, and I don’t miss the chaos, but I do miss my partner wanting me, complimenting me often, being flirtatious and having crazy sex. The lengths that people go to when they want their partner to feel sexy. That just isn’t his style, and I have to keep telling myself that just because someone doesn’t compliment their partner much doesn’t mean they’re not interested in the relationship.
He has different love languages, and I am trying to get used to those. I have asked for more words of affirmation, but I just don’t think his brain works like that, so I shouldn’t expect it too much. And I don’t. His love languages are acts of service and quality time. Mine are touch and words of affirmation. We do touch and have a very fulfilling relationship mostly, but when my love meter runs low, I find myself missing the idea of partners who would drool over me naked in front of them, or tell me of their own accord that they’re attracted to me. I hate that when I am feeling low I think of these people who could easily meet those needs. Not that I miss the people themselves, but I miss how easy it was for them to look at me and smile and tell me they think I’m pretty today.
He is stoic, measured, balanced. These are traits I admire in him. His composure and patience balance my excited energy which can definitely be chaotic at times, and that dynamic works really well for us! However, even though I truly do appreciate his more mellow approach to life, I do find myself missing some passion — I wish he wanted me, I wish he told me so. I wish he brought the intensity sometimes. Is this just me being used to toxic relationships? To people manipulating me with flowery loving wonderful words? Am I missing that because it's actually that important to me, or because I don't know how to be in a normal, stable, boring relationship?
Though we have wonderful loving sex, I don’t feel entirely fulfilled sexually. Examples:
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Today I sent him some snaps of myself in said lingerie, while he’s at work. I sent a text saying I’d sent him sexy pics, and he said “ooh I’ll look,” then opened the snaps and never said anything else to me. When he came home he didn’t mention anything. I’m just like, dang, usually he will at least give me an “ooh” or “nice” which is not super reassuring or fun but at least it’s SOMETHING. I feel dejected.
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We have talked, time and again, about things we want to do in bed. Yet, we have never done most of them. I have this worry in my stomach that even though we have amazing communication, nothing will ever actually come of it. Like that we talk through everything so well, that the actual action of doing The Thing never happens, because the conversation was so fulfilling and productive that my anxiety was calmed and my need for The Thing decreased because I felt so heard in the conversation. This is significant to me because in previous relationships I have enjoyed all kinds of kinks and fun, and he seems much more vanilla, and even though he expresses support when I say that I would love to do xyz... we don’t ever do xyz.
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It was my birthday recently and he took me on this amazing weekend getaway, tons of quality time and acts of service, I felt so loved and deeply appreciated all of the planning he put into it. After we got back, this tiny kernel of hurt started, like that when I got dressed up for dinner I had to ask him “how do I look?” and he just said “nice” and that was my compliment for the weekend. I feel angry at myself for wanting more, because he did so much for me. But it’s like, it would have been cool to get some kind of verbal affection, or maybe a written card cause he’s not a big talker… I brought this up with him a bit but I feel rotten for making him feel like he didn’t do enough, when he spent hundreds of dollars and a full weekend of time on me. Like why am I hurt about not being prioritized in sex when he planned an entire weekend for me? (He came, I didn’t. Which is fine, I usually do. But it was.. my birthday? Am I being entitled? Ugh.)
Recently when he does call me pretty (which is usually when I am crying cause I am expressing needs gone unmet) it makes me wilt inside and cry more because I’m like, are you just saying this because you feel like you have to? And of course he wouldn’t admit that, but it’s just causing this distressing internal narrative. Does he not know how important it is to me? We have talked about all of this, none of this should be news. Does he just not have the capacity? Does he not have the interest? Am I asking for too much?
And as I write this he comes in and lays in bed with me and is asking about my day and hugging me so sweetly and I’m like, who am I to complain about this wonderful man? He’s honest and patient and sweet and kind. I wish I didn’t have the desire for weirder sex, and I could just be happy with once or twice a week, I just wish this wasn’t a tension. I feel so confused and mad at myself. I want to take away my desire for kinky sexual chemistry, and take away my desire for words of affirmation. How do I do that. Or how do I at least understand that my relationship is fantastic and it doesn’t need those things.
tl;dr: Death by a thousand papercuts in a fantastic relationship where my partner is solid, loving, supportive, but not exactly on the same page sexually or with words of affirmation. Just feeling small n tired and wishing I could alter my own sex drive / romance needs. Angry at myself for not being able to just enjoy everything I have. Seeking input of any kind.
Submitted March 29, 2021 at 01:50PM by notathrowaway987654 https://ift.tt/3m3ROyz
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