I recently broke it off with my (26F) much older boyfriend (49M) and I’m reeling.
We met when I was 21 and he was 45. I was always very guarded, but he managed to find ways to let himself in and introduce me to a world that was so strange and yet so fascinating (at the time).
Through him, I discovered and claimed kinks I never particularly cared for before meeting him. If being his “princess” made him happy, it was all I wanted to be.
Eventually, those kinks took over my brain. I was obsessed with staying tiny like the girls he’d watch in porn that I developed an ED that landed me in the ER several times. I became addicted to giving him everything he desired sexually, even if it meant formulating the most fucked up scenarios to get him off. One night, we talked about his ex’s niece, who I knew he was attracted to. I felt sick afterwards and cried all night, but he didn’t feel responsible. We had a huge fight over it, but never spoke of her again.
It fucked me up. I began to notice literally every girl as if I were looking at them through my boyfriends eyes. I went from minding my own self to being in a constant state of sexualizing females everywhere I went. It drove me crazy and then one day, I snapped. I attempted to harm myself because I couldn’t take living like this anymore.
On top of my mental state, I was always in a terrible mood due to my ED. We constantly fought and all I wanted was for him to feel the pain he gave me. He called me the most abusive person he had ever known and convinced me to see a psychiatrist who I didn’t have the courage to tell everything to.
I wanted every fantasy he and I shared to vanish. I wanted to release myself from the hellhole that was my brain. But I continued to bring up things I deeply hated for his love and attention. And when he gave it to me, I felt so complete. I just didn’t have anyone else in my life that I trusted as much. He was the only one I let in. So I held on.
I don’t know what to do. I’m really scared that this is who I am now and I don’t even understand how I got here.
TL;DR: What is wrong with me? Is this Stockholm syndrome or a case of seriously fucked up instilled in me by my ex? Am I just a really terrible person? I want so badly to talk to someone about it, but I’m too wary around even my psychiatrist.
Submitted March 27, 2021 at 07:13PM by himyusernameis143 https://ift.tt/2O0H0EL
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