It feels a bit strange writing this. But I thought since the last post made me feel somewhat better, maybe this would be cathartic? I’m not sure. The advice, those that I followed and those that I didn’t, were really helpful.
He passed. It was in his sleep. I’m not sure if he felt anything, really. Not really sure if I want to get the answer to that question.
After my last post, my depression became a full blown major episode. My cleanliness was the first to go, then my studies and relationships went to shit. It was to the point where I couldn’t get out of bed and I needed professional help with my hair as it was so badly matted.
But, in the end, I did what I thought was right. I was by his side, though not really in spirit since it was hard for me to even look at his face. I was mostly there to support my mum and my younger siblings.
He never backed down from what he did in the end, never took back or apologised for whatever he did. But I somehow found it within myself to forgive him. It’s kind of twisted but I feel like being angry at someone, even in death, wouldn’t be the most productive thing to do. I couldn’t keep crying every night about the dad that could have been, or the relationship we couldn’t have had. My heart needed to let go, so I did.
Forgiveness is difficult, but it can be so liberating and freeing.
Looking back on his life, as an outsider and not as his daughter, I can see how tragic it truly was. He was a drug addict, an opiate addict more specifically. He lost both of his younger sisters tragically when he was in his early twenties and his younger brother in infancy. It doesn’t take away from what he did to us, but I feel like detaching myself from the situation adds a sense of clarity to his situation.
My only priority now is my younger brother. He’s so young and he has so much potential. He’s so creative, he loves art and music and theatre. He’s so innocent and caring and kind. I see the way he treats others and it makes me think that we’ve raised him right.
But as time progresses, he shells into himself, he acts out, he’s avoidant. I didn’t receive the best childhood, but I don’t care about that anymore. All that matters to me now is that my younger brother, my baby, gets to experience every bit of happiness that my older siblings and I never got to experience.
I don’t want this to set him back. I know he needs time to mourn, but when I look at him I see the same behaviours that I used to do and it terrifies me.
How do I help him? I don’t want to replace our dad, but I want to be the next best thing he could have. I don’t want to be overbearing, but we live in an area that if kids manage to dip their toe into something wrong, they’ll keep doing it because others encourage it.
TL;DR: My dad died, and now I believe my younger brother is starting to act out as a consequence and I don’t know what to do.
Submitted October 09, 2021 at 11:37PM by Ksaa0705 https://ift.tt/3v5euTp
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