Hi guys,
We've been together for ~2 years (were friends before that), and renting for 1. It wasn't stressful when we moved in together to rent, and we've had a great relationship so far with no reservations on taking our commitment to each other up a notch.
We're first time buyers, and as you can expect, have had to compromise in a few areas. We chose a sizeable house in a great area, that needs re-modernisation (new windows, boiler, kitchen, bathroom etc. which are all old but serviceable). We were aware of most of this upfront and agreed it was the best option. We will be getting tradespeople to do the majority of this, whilst learning smaller DIY tasks on the side. We completed in early September, and have spent the last month cleaning the new place and packing up the old rental a bit at a time. This was to try and reduce the amount of pressure/stress of condensing it all into a short period. My boyfriend moved around a lot as a child, and has indicated in the past that he does not react well to having his belongings all boxed up and feeling like he's not in control of his surroundings.
As a result, a lot of boyfriend's packing happened close to the final moving day, and unpacking has taken some figuring out. He helped load a lot of the heavier kitchen/living room belongings, but I feel like I've done a lot of the mental work to figure out what we can move and when, and have also set up a lot of the new house pretty much by myself (living room, kitchen, bathroom). I do work from home so I get more time in my day to do bits and pieces.
I won't lie, the previous owner of the house was not a clean person, or at least not below the surface, and we had to confront a lot of gross situations particularly in the kitchen. Lowlight was boyfriend deadlifting the dishwasher while I hoovered underneath it and simultaneously retched into a bucket. It looks much better now, albeit we've had to navigate fixing a freezer door, learning faulty dishwasher plumbing & painting a bedroom together. I see this as a positive opportunity to learn new skills and grow together, and was frequently my Dad's DIY backup as a child so can take it in my stride. I think this is all very new for my boyfriend.
3-4 times throughout the last month, boyfriend has said he's on the verge of having a panic attack but refuses to stop/talk about it and instead launches into the task at hand quite erratically to distract himself. Triggers have included accidentally moving his belt to the new house before he was ready, and having to wear baggy trousers to work. He's also gotten more road rage than normal, and at one point started accelerating in anger approaching a stationary queue; I got very uncomfortable and asked him to please stop as I felt scared. He's also spoken about how he just wants to run away, he hates the new house, and we've had a cry together a couple of times about how we're feeling.
I'm trying my best to carry us through this situation, be attentive and sympathetic to his emotions, and try and talk him through into a place of acceptance and positivity at the possibilities ahead. We've already booked in a new boiler and new windows, while looking at kitchens should be possible after Christmas. The latter I think is a major trigger for boyfriend's negativity about the house.
I don't know what else I can do. I'm exhausted from taking on so much of the physical and mental load, and it feels like there's a very limited window at the moment for me to require support from him. I know it's going to vary depending on what we're going through, but I'm spending a lot of time being the supportive partner. However we're still at a place where he doesn't really want to talk about it and his default position is to view our conversations about how he's feeling/reacting, as meaning that he should bury his feelings and not display them to me. I'm naturally quite a positive person and was really looking forward to this moment for us, but I can just feel the entire house sliding backwards into negativity.
It also concerns me what this could mean for future events involving significant aspects of change. We both want to have kids together at some point, however again we will get launched into a completely new chapter of our lives, most likely feeling woefully unprepared and like everything has been turned upside down. I'm worried I might not be able to ask him for support if I need it.
Any advice?
TL;DR - Friends first, together for 2 years, rented for 1, 1st time buyers and as you'd expect, couldn't tick all of our boxes on our budget. We chose a sizeable house in a great area, which needs work to re-modernise. Think new windows, boiler, kitchen, bathroom etc. which are all old but serviceable. It's perfectly liveable, but a little rough around the edges; we were aware of most of the work upfront and agreed it was the best option. We will be getting tradespeople to do the majority of this, whilst learning smaller DIY tasks on the side. We spoke a lot about how moving house is a major stress trigger for my partner, and how we can try and manage that together. We're almost past the unpacking of boxes stage, but the overall mood isn't improving, and there's a constant cloud of negativity about the state of our house.
Submitted October 08, 2021 at 04:54AM by Chin0Chef https://ift.tt/3Bt0dCn
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