I'm just honestly looking for support right now, and maybe some kind criticism to see if I'm in the wrong about wanting to separate.
Tldr: my husband spends $200-500/week on his addictions, take out, and monthly $50 cellphone bill. I'm not working and i have more money than him (2k in savings left). I pay for 95% of every expense (children, us, household cleaning supplies, date nights etc) from my savings. He won't show me how much money he has and doesn't offer to help pay for any of my things but has no prob taking my money to pay his cellphone bill or to buy coffee or get gas before work. He pays $200/month rent and earns $2200- $2600/month.
So if you read the tldr, that's my situation. We currently live with my parents and he pays them $200/month to help with the electric bill. We both chip in when we have to get oil or get the sewage pumped. We have 2 children as well. A 4yo and a 4 month old. We are supposed to be saving money to get kitchen cabinets and appliances installed at our home in Puerto Rico, before planning on moving there.
I spend my money on children's clothes, shoes, presents, diapers, toys, treats, art supplies, our "couple's date nights", family vacations, airline tickets, and occasionally clothes for myself and him. He spends all of his extra money on cigarettes, pot, lottery tickets, and I found out last year he uses cocaine.
I have been understanding, concerned, worried, enraged, heartbroken, distrustful, accusing, resentful, and everything in between when it comes to confronting him about how he needs to better support our family.
I feel so stupid. All summer long he took "extra side jobs" after his full time job, to help save more money. I never saw a dime of it. He would get home anywhere between 7pm and 9pm most nights when I was begging him to quit taking more work because i was pregnant and needed help with our daughter after daycare.The only money he saved was when i hassled him to put away $200/week for emergencies in the Spring. He saved $1400 and then traded in his car and got a salvage title car for cheap.
He is a decent person, and my best friend. But i don't trust him and i feel taken advantage of. I am hurt and resentful. How can he not feel bad that he doesn't support me and our children? He gave up a job making 650/week to go to a job making 550/week all because he wants an hour lunch break instead of a half hour.
He told me last week that he planned on saving 200/week for a vacation that i payed for in puerto Rico coming in december. He got home an hour and a half late tonight at 6:30, and I asked him of he had been out doing coke. He denied it, said he was buying pot, bought gas, whatever. I asked him sweetly and joking around if he could open his car to check (he leaves coke baggies strewn around his car when he does it). He got super defensive and said he's not gonna open his car whenever i snap my fingers.. but honestly I wasn't demanding..I was begging him like a pathetic person. Begging him so that I could see he wasnt doing it so that I could trust him.
He said no, wouldn't unlock his car. I was upset and later when he went out to his car i checked his wallet and there was no money in it. He got paid on fri. I kicked him out.. was this too mean? Should i have given him another chance?
Also, his argument is that once i start harping on one thing about him, I keep finding more things to complain about and that he doesn't get a word in. Which tbf, is kind of true. I get upset and my brain jumps from one thing to another.. yet when i stick with one topic, "please show me you're not doing coke or please show me you still have money left" he gets defensive, says I'm nagging, nothing is ever good enough, I'm not going to spank him (?) Or that he's got nothing to prove because he did nothing wrong and to just trust him. I start crying because it all feels hopeless he literally won't show me.
Am i being controlling by asking, begging, or demanding him to prove to me that he has money or doesn't have drugs in his car? I feel crazy. He says i put him down and make him feel like trash.. but I just feel like nothing is ever going to change and I'm a loser.
I'm sorry this post is all over the place. I have diagnosed ADHD and I'm just upset
Submitted October 06, 2021 at 08:35PM by danceoftheplants https://ift.tt/3oFoFwP
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