Tl;dr Husband (39M) still expects me (28F) to apologize 6 years later because i obfuscated/lied by omission. I have the bad habit of knee-jerk white lies which seems to make things worse. How long should i apologize for my cowardice from 6-7 years ago? Am i handling wrong?
I'll try to keep this short. Throwaway, and on mobile. Sorry in advance!
I started dating my husband at age 21, fresh out of college. He was 29 at the time. Overall he was romantic but admittedly there were red flags early on (he was always emotionally dismissive, we both agreed from the start it was a problem. I was overly jealous and struggled to trust him from the start, and still working on these and myriad other problems.) We were each others' first serious relationship and had pressure from our small conservative church to 1. Wait for marriage to have sex (he coerced me into it early and like an idiot i went along with it against my own conscience) and 2. Lots of pressure because they thought we made a great little couple
Early in our engagement, i felt extrmely depressed due to my job. It was a terrible fit and even after moving to part-time i was basically suicidal. I hung on to the job at fiance (now husband)'s behest until i couldn't take it and quit. I felt the need to hide my choice from him, couldn't bring myself to form the words that I quit against his advice. I thought it was unhealthy and another bad sign for the relationship: I was immature and couldn't stand up for my choices, and found him controlling enough not to be a safe person to disappoint. My solution was to obfuscate and avoid details when he would ask me about work, until i got up the nerve to tell him. I don't remember soecifics but after weeks (!!) Of dragging my feet he put me on the spot about work and i came clean. I apologized and was honest that I'm not exactly sure why i couldn't tell him directly. In his mind i lied to his face for 3 weeks and he can never ever forgive or forget. Being lied to is clearly an emotional trigger for him, even more than anyone else either of us knows. So this was a major blow and I've asked repeatedly how can i make it up, or rectify the offense and he has no answer.
I struggle with little white lies. I have since childhood, as an adult when i feel questions are invasive, combative, or even unexpected my impulse is to lie in whatever way will avoid conflict. In other relationships I have been able to own up to this very shortly after and apologize for my instinct to lie. I'll catch myself as it's leaving my mouth and correct myself. It's not w trait i am proud of and I don't know why i do it??
Anyway the day i quit my job was about 6 years ago. As you can guess, my knee-jerk white lies have been a point of pain for my husband and i, especially considering the job situation.
I am open to criticism and input/questions you would have for me. My question is, since i don't defend the behavior and i have always apologized every time he brings it up, how many times do i need to apologize for "lying to him for 3 weeks?" I try to explain deception wasn't my goal. I was scared and had every intention of telling him. I don't know why I couldn't. I want to move past it. I move on from all of his mistakes and do not dredge them up during conflict. My goal is always to draw closer and understand each other better when my feelings are hurt or he raises an issue. Invariably it comes back to the time when we were still engaged and he asked before i could tell him the truth. He even refers to it when i am trying to resolve something he's done wrong/hurtful. I do not believe in assigning motive to others in intimate relationships, but my feeling is that he's deflecting. But I don't want to be dismissive if he's really still hurting from that, especially since i still have knee-jerk reactions to lie. He escalates everything to an argument so i get adrenaline rushes and sometimes headaches when he brings up random stupid things. Like how much i spent on my lunch, etc. Then i lie and i know he'll freak out if i tell him it was a lie, so then i double down and hope he just drops it. Writing this out I feel so pathetic and clearly i am a coward. Just at a loss. I told another pointless dumb lie last night, after forgiving him for breaking a promise. I apologized this morning and he turned my apology into another confrontation. Need some help (and p.s. he says our marriage is perfect and we do not need marital counciling???)
Submitted October 06, 2021 at 10:08AM by Sorryyetagain https://ift.tt/3AmIbR1
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