I have a friend who I’ve grown really close to. We've known each other for a few years but have gotten the closest over the past year. Good friends are difficult to find, and we get along really well most of the time. I’d like to keep the friendship. We really have a good time together and she has many good qualities that I’m not writing about below. However, there is a communication issue that has come up as we’ve grown closer, and I’m trying to figure out how to deal with it. Lately have been instinctually pulling away in self-protection. I think some of her behavior is reminding me of some dynamics growing up.
Basically, the closer we get the more she tries to talk down to me. It’s like she needs a person playing the role of “less competent person” in order for her to feel competent or good in the relationship. She wants to play the role of guide, competent teacher, etc. And if that isn’t her role then she feels discontented with the relationship. I’ll give you a few examples. These are all situations that have happened repeatedly. The anecdotes below are just the most obvious or recent examples.
Example 1: I tried a food at a farmer’s market and pronounced it the way I thought I had heard it. I then talked to her about this food later, and she laughed at me and corrected my pronunciation. At the moment that correction was no big deal to me, because sometimes I pronounce things incorrectly, and I’m fine changing my pronunciation to what is correct. I’ve done it for other words, even with her. She then texted later about the food and spelled it the way she pronounces it. However, her spelling didn’t match the packaging on the food I had purchased (I heated it up for seconds the day after our conversation.) I then googled the food pronunciation and found out that I had pronounced it correctly. Basically, she was wrong, and I was right. She keeps pronouncing and texting the word to me incorrectly, and I don’t correct her in the moment. If I have to use the word though, I use the correct spelling/pronunciation. This seems to make her want to use her version even more. It’s like I’m passively being pressured to accept her view – she has to be right – even though she is objectively and verifiably wrong. I actually don’t care if she spells or pronounces it her way, but it feels like it really bothers her when I don’t conform to what she thinks is right. I don’t want to have to pretend that something is right just to maintain peace in the relationship. That feels like gaslighting and like I’m being expected to call myself incompetent when I’m not. If I just gave in and started using the incorrect spelling and pronunciation, I would be setting myself up for that pattern to repeat.
Example 2: We went to a store that I suggested and had been to multiple times, even before I met her. It’s a unique store in my area and independently owned. Great veggies. She proceeded to try to tell me all about the store. While in the store I talked about wanting two different food items. The first was salsa, and I was headed towards a section where I had found it last time. She told me she didn’t think there was salsa there. Obviously, it was there, just like the time I had found it there. I then mentioned that I wanted cheese. I was thinking cheddar cheese and was about to head off in the direction that I thought it would be, and she told me that we were already in the cheese section. To humor her I looked for cheese there and mentioned that it wasn’t the type of cheese I wanted. I already knew we weren’t in the right section but I didn’t want to be combative. She then “guided” me to the other section. Actually that was where I was heading anyways. Since I had been to the store I already knew where I should look. She could not accept that we both knew about the store. It was a weird dynamic where she had to feel like she was teaching me about a place I had already been. I learned nothing new about the store that day, and wasn’t trying to teach her about the store at all. I was just trying to get some shopping done and enjoy being at the store.
Example 2.5: More recently, when I started to talk about my uncle being involved in the design of some place, she ignored what I said and tried to explain the place to me. Normally, if someone already knows about a topic, then I would expect the other person to share what they know in a way that’s sort of comparing notes or on equal footing. E.g. by talking about what they love about it, or asking if I noticed xyz too, etc. I would not expect them to try to explain the topic as if the other person has no idea about it. She has ignored indications on multiple occasions that I might know just as much or more than her and then proceeded to explain things to me as if she’s introducing them to me or I’m new to the topic. If I in any way indicate that I also know about the topic then it feels very combative with her, like I’m stepping out of my “role”.
Example 3 (General on multiple small topics): I love to learn, and when I get into a topic then I research it a lot. We talk a lot about a lot of different topics when together and during these conversations we naturally share info that we’ve learned. As we’ve gotten closer though, she has started to contradict or try to diminish in some way any info I bring up. I know that I’m not wrong or sharing irrelevant info 100% of the time. It’s like it’s compulsive for her to try to poke holes in what I’m saying or even just directly contradict me, as if she wants to remind me that I’m not teaching her anything and that I should doubt what I know and defer to her. I know I’m competent, and I don’t want to doubt what I’ve learned every time I think about sharing something.
So what do you think? Is there a name for this pattern of behavior? Do you have any communication strategies for situations like the examples below? How can I respond in a way where I don’t have to play that “less competent person” role with her and we can still be good friends? Are there any books or other resources that might help me when it comes to what’s going on?
TLDR: friend has developed a pattern of constantly being critical and acting superior, what do I do?
Submitted October 08, 2021 at 06:35PM by Redditsweetie https://ift.tt/3BmSrtI
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