My (M32) SO (F28) communicates to me verbally when she want's to have sex, but frequently retracts the offer when the time allows in our schedules

I realize that a verbal confirmation is not a guarantee of sex, and I wouldn't mind except for that it happens quite often. We have busy lives, and sometimes can't just drop everything to have sex right then. The problem is that I get very excited when she says that she really wants to have sex later (naturally), and feel led on when she declines.

There's really no one specific thing that puts her out of the mood, it's just that often she feels different than she did a few hours prior. This makes sense. I can't expect my SO to be aroused from the time she says she's horny to the three hours from then when we've finally put the baby to bed and are sufficiently wound-down to start anything. (whoa, I said baby. We have a 3 month old. And normally I would agree that babies change the game. But this has been a hallmark of our relationship long before the baby).

The kicker is that sometimes, even often, she DOES follow through. And it's great. We have a great love life. It's very intimate and trusting and fun, but the communication is lacking when it comes to the timing. Frequently I get wound up and shot down. So we've talked numerous times about her just communicating her sexual wants at the moment she has them and is also a convenient time for us to be intimate. But I've come to find that her communicating that she's horny when she is horny, whether it is a convenient time or not, is part of her sexuality. She wants me to know. She's at that moment ready, and that's part of how she expresses herself sexually. And I love that about her. I'm responsive to that. I'm a green light almost any time it happens. But when it DOESN'T, which is quite frequently, it honestly just ruins my night. It sounds like a benign problem to have, but after living it for years, this has become a real abrasive patch of our relationship.

So where's the give and take here? Do I just have to continue with a weekly 'will they, won't they', do I have to put less stock in her communicative mood and just roll with it, even though I have feelings and needs that are stirred by this interaction too? Do I shut up and stop complaining because "at least I'm having sex" or whatever? Has anyone found a middle ground that works with this scenario?

TL;DR: wife says she wants to have sex, retracts offer later. mixed signals that are further complicated by sometimes following through, sometimes not.

Submitted February 19, 2020 at 10:29PM by neiw https://ift.tt/2T0Keqd