What to do about horrible aunt (50sF), my grandmother (80sF), and our (31m/33f) wedding. And beyond.

Not going to bother with a throwaway, because at this point, I don't care if my cousins find out the truth. I could use some help with what to do about my terrible aunt, my (potentially) dying grandmother, and my upcoming wedding.

My aunt (my dad's brother's wife) is a terrible, terrible person. I can't go into the entire laundry lists of reasons why, but suffice to say she's incredibly selfish, and her needs and desires shape how she acts. She and her family would show up to family dinners an hour after everybody else, leave early, not help clean up; they would bring uninvited guests when they said they wouldn't, or tell my mom extra people were coming (which was fine!) and then they wouldn't show up. She would speak to her children in her native language around the table in front of everybody else, a language none of us spoke (and obviously I have no problems with multiple primary languages, but it wasn't to practice conversational skills, it was to comment about things in a manner none of us could understand). She let her 1-year-old draw on my mom's couch with crayons, and then got offended when my mom took the crayons away and left in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner. There's a lot more examples, including telling a Muslim au pair that there was no pork in a dish that definitely had pork in it, then telling my mom and sister that "her religion is stupid" when they called her on it.

Basically, now that myself/my sister (27f) are grown up and out of the house, we didn't have much contact with them anymore, even though we live in the same city, because a) my grandparents moved to Florida, and b) my aunt and my mom continually clashed heads over my aunt's insanity and my mother's unwillingness to put up with it. I'm sure my aunt convinced her children (28m/25f/16m) that my mom is the one at fault, but there's not much I can do about that.

However, the worst thing she's ever done was in Nov. 2018, when my dad's mother was suffering from cancer, and it looked like she didn't have long left. We were all taking shifts going down to Florida to see her and spend time with her. My aunt went down by herself, and on the first day there she ended up getting into an argument with my grandmother's oncologist, IN THE HOSPITAL. That argument became one with my grandparents, and she ended up saying "F**k you, (grandfather's name), f**k you, (grandmother's name)," leaving the hospital, and flying straight back home. My entire family was LIVID.

So, when my fiancée and I got engaged April 2019, I made it clear that I did not want my aunt at the wedding. My grandparents, nor my parents, had any interest in ever seeing her again, and I certainly don't blame them. So I called my oldest cousin, and explained to him that while I would love to have him and his siblings, and their father there, that their mother wouldn't be invited; I knew that this likely meant none of them would come, and so I wasn't surprised when he confirmed as much. He was never told the story of what happened in Florida, and while I should have just told him, my parents and fiancée convinced me it wasn't my place to share.

So, now the wedding is coming up, in May. In the last 18 months, both of my grandparents got cancer, though my grandfather thankfully beat his and is doing quite well. But my grandmother...she's not doing great. She has good days and bad days, and is convinced she's dying, even though the most recent tests (last week) only turned up a few small spots, which the doctors can treat, and her blood numbers are overall strong. They just can't tell why she's in some GI distress, so she thinks it's the end.

Today, apparently, my grandmother called my mom, sobbing. She's so upset that her two sons' families don't get along, and can't stand the thought of her passing and us not being there for each other. She's still hoping to make the wedding, and of course would be upset to have half her family missing. My mom wants to try to put this all past us and move forward, even though she understands that doesn't HAVE to include the wedding. She also knows I'm an ethically strong person, and that we haven't done anything wrong here, so I feel....extremely conflicted. We'd basically be excusing away all of my aunt's atrocious behaviors, to make my grandmother feel better about this? And by the way, while I LOVE my grandmother, she's not totally blameless in this...she never put her foot down to her son or daughter-in-law (my aunt and uncle) about the repeated pattern of bad behavior, and only after it was too late sided with my mom.

I'm really concerned that my aunt will only continue her narcissistic, awful behavior, and will do something at the wedding to ruin mine and my fiancée's special day. I'm determined to do whatever I can to make that day as perfect as possible for both of us (I have a lot of experience planning events in my main job, so this is something I'm good at, though I know SOMETHING will go wrong...it's okay!), and I worry that introducing my aunt and that awkward family dynamic back into the fold will –– while not likely RUIN the day or anything like that –– create some unpleasant memories. I know a direct apology from my aunt would go a long way, but I also know that pigs flying would be pretty neat, too. My mom asked if talking to my uncle would help, except that I know he's absolutely powerless to stop her when she does what she wants.

So, Reddit, I could really use your help, your advice of what to do.

TL;DR Aunt creates massive drama within family, grandmother wants me to forgive all of it as she might be dying from cancer, and it might impact my wedding.

Submitted February 24, 2020 at 02:29PM by jmverlin https://ift.tt/38Y89gP