My [31f] stepmom [48] is trying to patch things up with my dad [55] and me after an abusive past. Is there a nice way to tell her I feel all the pressures on me?

Not a perfect title. During my parents divorce my mom made all of us say that my dad abused us. I was just the only one young enough to think this coaching was REAL instead of just something we were supposed to say to make her happy. Husband #3 and 4 actually were abusive but that’s unrelated to this.

As you can imagine this caused a big strain between my dad and me. Even once I was old enough to choose for myself whether I wanted to see him or not I pretty much said no except for holidays. Now I’m years into therapy and the understand that abuse never happened. I tried rekindling things with my dad a few years ago but it seemed like he wasn’t interested anymore. I know he loves me and he does his fatherly duties like helping me pay bills sometimes or coming to my graduation but that’s pretty much it.

Ever since my dad got remarried his step mother has been trying to repair our relationship. Dad had pretty good relationships with my other siblings and half siblings. The problem is that I feel like all the pressure to fix it is on me. Like I reply to every single message my dad sends my phone or FB. I think 8/10 these are family messages instead of personally sent to me but I still make sure to always answer. My dad screens my calls and I don’t think he has answered a single call from me in at least a year if not two. 8 months ago he left a voicemail to wish me luck on my surgery but he knew I’d already be out cold by them. I would say he only replies to 3/10 messages I send him. I’ve invited him out a few times and he either says no or just doesn’t answer. I don’t want to make him sound bad though. He made sure I got an invite to my niece’s birthday but only by telling my sister I had to be invited to that kind of thing, not by telling me directly.

If it was just a difficult relationship to fix I would 100% understand but people are acting like I’m doing nothing. When my stepmom said that she wished I tried contacting my dad more I told her he hadn’t replied to my last 5 messages. Then she said she didn’t believe that and then when I showed her she said that fixing a relationship is not about who is right and who is wrong. I threw a New Years party and my brother said that my father and step mom would have liked to come. I told them I invited them and then also told my other brother to pass along an invite. He basically said “gee dad probably didn’t want to come because you treat him so bad”. Right after saying they would have liked to come???

I want to tell my step mom that my dad isn’t ready for a repaired relationship. I want to say that I feel like we are not held to the same standard and that really hurts. But I feel like she (and sibling) are going to say I am being a brat just because I’m not getting what I want or that I’m not willing to try to to fix it. I feel like I’ve done a lot myself like getting into therapy to work through the abuse issues. How do explain how I feel without sound stuck up?

TLDR: step mom wants my dad and me to get along but doesn’t see he isn’t trying the same.

Submitted February 28, 2020 at 07:42AM by intowildways https://ift.tt/2T8qCSo