UPDATE (2yrs): My [33/M] old scout leader [50s/M] did bad things. How do I talk to my wife [33/F] about this?

So the original post didn't get much traction but I appreciated the comments provided at the time. Knowing that I wasn't alone provided great solace.

I'm stubborn, so I haven't sought out therapy but my hand was forced when my wife asked me a question about a phone call that I received from the police. I made a quick decision and opted to keep the full truth to myself, letting her know about the situation, but swapping my place for a friend, stating I was only a witness. This technique worked and I didn't burden her with my concerns - that was the key worry of mine.

Therapy would have told me to share the burden but I couldn't do that. For her sake, I think I made the right decision - life has been very difficult for completely unrelated reasons over the last ~18 months and she is seeking therapy for that. For my sake I'm not sure. Perhaps I could have alleviated some of the mental load by talking to others. When my mind is empty in the gym or doing some work in the garden I often find that it drifts back to this whole situation but I suppose only time will tell how this all settles - particularly after today's update.

So it's been two years - changes at the scouting association's protective team and with the police caused numerous delays, and the distance between where the offences were committed and where both he and I now live meant that the investigation was extremely protracted. I didn't mind too much as during this period he was barred from working with children so I waited it out.

The police eventually travelled to arrest and interview him. I'm told that he initially denied everything but then admitted that we were at least in the same place at the same time. I'm guessing that was when faced with the testimony from the corroborative witness. I was also told that his testimony was viewed to be untrustworthy by the officers who interviewed him, but with the lack of any evidence, there's no way that my accusation would stand up in court. However, he has been barred from scouting for life and his police record has been updated with this information permanently which will appear if he ever tries to get any other job or volunteer post working with children.

So, how do I feel? I entered into this process with the single concern that others may have been hurt during my period of inaction, or would be hurt in future if I didn't speak up. I can't do anything about the former and there will always be that nagging doubt in my mind. However, his chances of harming anyone else in future are significantly reduced and he will now know that if he is caught in any similar offence in future, my testimony will then hold weight.

My advice to anyone reading this in a similar situation - talk, to whoever you feel may listen. You might not be able to tell your family or friends the full picture but you may be able to get support when you most need it.

tl;dr: Got caught out with a phone call, made snap decision to pretend I was only a witness. Turns out my wife needed protecting from stress far more due to other life events. I'm not yet sure where my head will end up over it all, it's not in a fantastic place right now but after a partial win with scouting / the police, I hope to move on and let this pass into the past.

Submitted February 26, 2020 at 01:21PM by HermesDagfinnr https://ift.tt/2w8aDux