My husband and I have been together since early 2016 and were married last August. When the relationship began, the sex was mind-blowing. But since we moved in together and I've taken on the lion's share of the domestic duties/mental labor, I have had an increasingly difficult time being "in the mood".
We both work full-time. He does work extra gigs occasionally and has clubs/activities that he's committed to, so I have more time at home but do 80% of the grocery shopping/animal care and probably 95% of the indoor cleaning. It's been over a year since he's cleaned a toilet.
Holidays compound it because gift-giving isn't his strong suit so he leans towards giving home-gifts (think colanders, spatulas, casserole dishes) that while the effort is appreciated, always leaves me feeling a little unappreciated and unseen, like a living broom and sex bot.
He also cheated/lied for a couple of years during our relationship. Obviously, I decided the relationship itself was worth salvaging and forgave him, but emotionally I struggle on my own with that. It ended a couple of years ago but left me with a boatload of insecurities and can still make it very tough for me sometimes to feel loved by him. And feeling underappreciated/disrespected by being left with these huge chunks of the workload and less-than-thoughtful gifts just kind of avalanche-dumps depression on me. And depression kills my libido and leaves me resentful.
He, on the other hand, is becoming frustrated with the fact that I'm taking so long to be "ready" or "into" sex. 30 seconds or so of kissing, some groping and he is ready to proceed. I am not. In fact, the insistence without effort is almost a turn-off. I am not as insta-ready as I was when we started dating, and while I feel bad about that, it's a reality. Our lives and situations have changed.
I do try to seduce him. I engineered a few of our more wild nights recently, where the entire situation is 100% about him. I wanted him to feel desired and taken care of. I just don't feel like I ever get that in return.
Last night, I came home after working a 12-hour shift with a 1-hour lunch break that I used to go grocery shopping. We had texted about sex earlier in the day, and I was looking forward to spending some quality time together and it leading to that. It took me two trips to bring the groceries in. The house was a mess. My feet hurt. He was two drinks in and wearing what he has said is his version of lingerie--boxers and a hat. He immediately began to try to move in on me. I was a little disappointed that I wasn't getting any non-sexual contact, but knowing what the expectations clearly were, I went to take a shower. Showers are relaxing for me and give me some alone time. Admittedly, I was in the bathroom for close to an hour. I felt better and thought we might talk in bed a bit before things proceeded, but when I walked out he was naked and ready to go. I was incredibly disappointed. It felt less like an attempt at seduction and more like an expectation that just put a ton of pressure on me to perform. I tried to talk to him about slowing it down a bit but we did end up having sex, after which he was immediately ready again and asked for oral, which I did.
He tried to be sweet during the first time but I was so frustrated and sad about the entire night and situation that I wasn't into it at all. The fact that I wasn't emotionally "there" has hurt his feelings. He sent me nudes today, and told me to "hurry home". I told him I would really like to hang out and if it happens, great. He was hurt so I tried to explain to him that I need wind-down time, foreplay, and emotional connection. He's told me that he's "slowly realizing that it's the sex I'm not interested in" and he is having to adjust to my "ever-changing needs". I was honestly insulted by that because my sex drive is fine, and it's frustrating when I feel like he's pouting about being asked to treat me like a human being.
I get it, these are things he would like me to do. I feel bad that they don't work for me, but they just don't. And when I tell him that, he implies that I am no longer the fun sexual girl that he met. I am feeling so distraught and lost as to whether I am being unreasonable and frigid, or how I fix the situation. And even if I'm not, I don't know how to talk to him in a way that he will take seriously. We've had the conversation multiple times, nothing changes, and both of us become more and more frustrated.
TL;DR: husband and I are both frustrated in the bedroom, and I have no clue how to fix the situation without making it worse.
Submitted February 28, 2020 at 12:15PM by Shellanna5486 https://ift.tt/2wRSuRP
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