TL;DR My [30F] Long term partner [M29] has had feelings for a good friend [F29] that he thought to be unrequited. The friend expressed feelings back. He said he isn't doing anything about it because of our relationship. Has anyone ever been in this type of situation?

My boyfriend (29M), will call him "G".

When G and I (30F) started dating in Jan 2019 we had the talks. We became serious within the month. By April 2019 we were flying across the country to attend his mom's 60th birthday.

When we first started dating I had asked him about a photo of a woman, we will call her "A".

He admitted to me that he and 'A' have always had a connection but they've have never acted on it. Over the last 6-7 years G and A have traveled together, spent loads of time together, talked about the serious stuff, been there for each other emotionally, and have had always had a strong spark. They have an intimate relationship.

He told me in the beginning that he he still had feelings for her. He said he has always pushed them down. He said he knows they've both felt the electricity between them but never acted on it physically or acknowledged it. When he first told me about it, I thought that it was something smaller and less than I now know.

Last week 'A' had a family emergency. One of her family members has died due to a drug overdose and that person's brother is in need of a drug intervention, as he's suicidal and also an addict. We live in the same city as A’s cousin so she reached out to my boyfriend for help. My boyfriend told her that I have expertise in this area, he asked me if I could help. I got A set up with a great interventionist in the city. G offered A his place to stay while she was in town, saying he'd stay with me. She declined the stay at his house and will stay at her family's house.

Throughout all of this, I didn't even realize that this woman was the woman he described in that photo. I just wanted to help a friend of his, like I would do for anyone.

Yesterday he told me that he needed to tell me something. He said that 3 months into us dating that he and A were talking on the phone and she confessed to having deep feelings for him. He told me that he told her that, "he understands, he agreed with her that they have always had a connection, but that he is in a relationship with me, he's happy, and wants to see where it goes with me, he wants her to meet me someday, etc.". She said she didn’t know that he was in a relationship now but ‘felt better knowing he knows’.

He said that since then, their relationship has been pretty minimal. She lives in Mexico and we are in California. They haven't seen each other in years. They are both in the same creative industry and he said that most of their conversations have been work-related. Although on a couple occasions she has reached out to him for emotional support— such as this thing with her cousin.

G decided that he needed to tell me about her confession of feelings toward him if she was to be coming into town for this family intervention. He admitted to me that he does still have feelings for her deep down, but in the same breath, said he loves me and that his feelings for her does not change anything between us. He said he does not want to see where it could go with her, he wants to see where we go together.

I am grateful that he told me, I would have felt like an absolute mug had he not. If I would have met her and not known and found out later— I wouldn't have been understanding in the least. I believe him and trust him, but thinking about him loving someone else does make me feel sick. I am gutted.

I don’t know how to feel. I know that people can meet someone and in an instant 20 years of marriage can disappear or it is acknowledged and nothing is ever done about it. I know love isn’t ever guaranteed but there is a part of me that can’t help but feel insecure. I have a tendency to feel insecure about women that connect with him on a creative/work level, as I am not that type nor in the creative industry.

I told him I wish he didnt still have current feelings for her. He's tried to reassure me that it's nothing but that he does still have feelings for her and loves her in a way. It is really hard to hear that and not take it personally. He said that he doesn't want to act on it and won't. He said it would have been deceitful to not tell me, because he and she shouldn't have a secret between them that to which I am not privy. I agree.

In my opinion when you forbid someone to talk to/be friends with someone else, it's like the 'forbidden fruit'. Secrecy increases intimacy and if they are forbidden and still talk, then he may not be so honest with me. I understand that secrets can be sexy sometimes and by taking away someone's freedom it can have the opposite effect.

Part of me thinks he didn't tell me until the situation became more close to home.

Part of me thinks that they aren't together only because they don't live in the same country.

I feel if I am continuing to obsess over it, it will likely create problems, where as if I accept it, move on, and live in the moment it may give it less power.

​

TL;DR:
My boyfriend told me at the beginning of our relationship that he has always had feelings for a good friend that he thought to be unrequited. In April 2019 the friend expressed her feelings toward him. He did not tell me until yesterday that this had happened. He is telling me now because I helped her out with a family emergency and if she comes into town he felt it would be deceitful for me to not know about it.

He said he told her that 'he understands, he agreed that they have always had a connection, but that he is in a relationship with me, he's happy, and wants to see where it goes with me'. She said she didn’t know that he was in a relationship now but ‘felt better knowing he knows how she feels’.

He said he isn't doing anything about it because of our relationship but I can't help but feel insecure because he still does have feelings for her.

I am obsessing over it and I want to live with it, but I don't know how.

​

My question:
Is this something some of y’all could live with? How would you deal with it? Would you drop it?

Have you ever been in my shoes? or G's shoes? or A's shoes?

Are there any specific questions I should ask him? Boundaries to set?

​

Edit; For grammatical stuff & clarification

Submitted February 25, 2020 at 04:09PM by t-mart https://ift.tt/2HXSsdD