My in laws speak poorly of me to my spouse and otherwise act like our kids and I don’t exist. They only want a relationship with my spouse. Should I just give in and give them what they want, or should my spouse refuse to put up with this behavior?

I (46F) have been married to my spouse (45M) for over 16 years. I have a child (29F) that is not my husband’s biological child but he legally adopted her when we married and we have a son together (11).

The in laws have been unwelcoming since our engagement and very critical of me to my spouse. We got serious when my eldest was 9 yrs old and my spouse is a father to her. The in laws haven’t seen her since our wedding day (she was then 12 yrs old) and have never tried to include her in any plans, have never recognized her on her birthday or holidays, etc. We have a child together and our child doesn’t not know any of his aunts or uncles on his father’s side - like would not know their names or recognize their faces - and my father in law will send him a card w/cash on his birthday but that’s it. The rest of the in laws ignore his bday etc. My brother in law has a son our son’s age, and FIL spends tons of time with that child. FIL will contact my spouse if he needs something or to invite him to a family event and makes it clear that just my spouse is invited. He’ll do this right in front of me and our son. All in laws only contact my spouse and have a relationship with him. I have not heard from any in laws in many years.

Add to this that they’ve been hurtful in more overt ways in addition to this. They have said and done some very cruel things to me and have never apologized for any of it. They also do a lot of petty passive aggressive comments and things like leave us out of family photos etc.

Today my spouse told me that the in laws are coming to town soon and started talking about things we could all do together. Our son says he doesn’t want to go. I asked why and he said that they’re only interested in dad and it’s awkward and boring. I feel the exact same way! So do I just give them all what they want? I feel upset by it because I feel that marriage and kids are priority #1, and if someone outside of my nuclear family was speaking ill of my spouse, I would protect my spouse and distance from that person. But my spouse seems fine to just look the other way about all of this and jump to it when they give him a command. I feel he should be bothered by all of this and put up boundaries or have a discussion. To let them act like we don’t exist and meet up with them solo all of the time is hurtful and feels disrespectful for me and both of my kids. I nearly died a few mos ago and no in laws even bothered to call or text…nothing. It’s really severe. Thoughts?

TL;DR: My in laws act like me and my kids don’t exist and only want to hang out with and speak with my spouse. They also speak poorly of me to my spouse. Do I give them what they want (my kids and I wouldn’t miss seeing them) or is it wrong of my spouse to go along with this? In many ways it makes me very uncomfortable to have people that don’t like me trying to divide my family up all of the time.

Submitted October 21, 2021 at 05:06PM by laughingsally https://ift.tt/3C1SRpI