My (28f) boyfriend (27m) won’t say “I love you” after 2 years and says “what do you think” when I ask if he sees himself getting there…how do I approach asking him for a more definitive answer about how he feels about me/our relationship?

This is probably going to be a long one but I will try my best to be concise.

Quick backstory: boyfriend (bf) and I met summer 2019. We began hanging out at the beginning of Sept. 2019. We were then casually dating at first then when the pandemic began I quarantined with him for a few weeks and then eventually moved 1.5 hrs to his city to be closer. Then in December 2020 we made plans to be entirely exclusive and I moved in with him in January 2021 at his suggestion. We’ve also basically been inseparable since summer of 2020 after we took a month long camping road trip together.

I’ll start with the bad parts of our history to get them out of the way. To be honest, my bf did not want a relationship when we first got together, which he did tell me. And I was ok with having fun at first but I also fell for him quick. But that is why it took so long for us to say we were exclusive. Well about 9 months into it basically I made some assumptions based on his very doting and loving actions and behaviors (that we were exclusive and in a real relationship bc he actively wanted to spend so much time with me) but wasn’t listening to what he was actually saying (“I am not sure I want a relationship now”). Then I found out that he was still talking to (read: sexting) a few girls on Instagram in late 2020. I finally explicitly told him at that point that I DO want a relationship, so if you want me to stick around you have to cut all the other girls off. So he did, he blocked the girls on social media, bc he said he wanted to be with me, and he did want to see if we had a future together and really give us a shot. And then we moved in together, at his suggestion.

We did also have a rocky start when I moved in - even tho I had basically been living with him since the pandemic began (I was at my apartment maybe a total of 2 months in a 6 month time span) we both had to really adjust to living full time in a small space together. I went through a little bit of a depressed phase because we just couldn’t get a good routine down together and it was stressing me out. He also was frustrated with my new lack of motivation. We eventually talked things through, what we expected from a relationship and what we expect from each other and ourselves and from then on we have been super in sync.

On to the good: this is my dream man. He is the kindest person, I can see from his actions that he genuinely cares for me. His love language is definitely acts of service. Little things he does like buying flowers or picking up my favorite meal when he knows I’ve had a rough day, but also bigger acts like moving for 3 months with me while I helped my dad out after surgery, helping me with my car, or a project I’m working on, and just in general being enthusiastic about my hobbies. We get along so well together. He makes me want to better myself and pushes me to try new things and I love that. We have so much fun together and we have the same life values. We support each other’s goals and really try to encourage each other. Except for this one issue everything would be perfect!!!

You see it’s been over 2 years now, and almost 1 year since we were officially exclusive and living togetber, and he hasn’t returned the “I love you” sentiment. I said it about 9ish months since we started seeing each other. At the time I told him “I don’t want you to feel pressured to say it back bc I want you to mean it when you say it, but I feel this way and I wanted you to know!” He was very appreciative about it and hugged me and called me his favorite person ever. But remember that was also when I assumed our relationship was more than it was, which was my bad, I admit I was working off false info then. Now Whenever I say “I love you” to him he still replies with a big hug and “you’re my favorite.” It’s nice and he does say other nice things occasionally like he’s so lucky to have me, but after some time I would like a little more. I can see from his actions he has strong feelings for me, and on top of that we are even beginning to plan for a life together. We have talked about buying property and building our dream house on it, as well as getting married and having kids someday (“not long from now” is his “timeline” on kids). And he talked about marrying me to his SIL I know for sure bc she’s a homie and spilled the beans.

So a few months ago I basically said to him (not exact quotes), “look as I always say I don’t want to pressure you into saying something you don’t feel, and I don’t want you to just say it bc I want you to say it. But we are talking about some pretty major relationship and life steps, and I need more reassurance about this relationship. I love you very much, and it seems from your actions that you also care for me deeply and it feels like you love me but I’ve made assumptions about how you feel in the past and I don’t want to do that again, so do you think we/our relationship, are moving in a direction where you’ll feel those things and be able to say them?”

His reply was “what do you think.” Then he laughs and hugs me and tries to be silly and say “of course I’m mOvInG tHaT dIrEcTiOn” (yes he says it like he’s mocking me—like it’s obvious how he feels WELL IT ISN’T 😂). He said that I just needed to see his actions and believe that’s how he felt about me. But it still feels like a cop out bc, I could be projecting my own love onto his actions, which is why I need him to express himself more. And yes I have told him this and he has admitted to being closed off emotionally, and has gotten better in our time together about sharing his feelings. So he has said “we’re talking about buying land and building a house together, what do you think?” Idk what to think bc you don’t tell me!!! I even said to him, last time I “thought” something about how you felt it turns out you were still sexting other girls. He replied “well we talked about that and dealt with it so that’s not an issue anymore.” Ok so if it’s not someone else than what is holding him back??

Anyway, I don’t need advice saying “it’s been too long, dump him” because I don’t think in the grand scheme of life it has been that long. I do want to give him the time he needs because when (if…) he does say it I want him to be 100% sure of it and I’ll know he is.

I would like advice on how to approach getting him to be more expressive about his feelings to me. What do I say that won’t come off as pushy and demanding him to say he loves me? I definitely don’t want him to say it just to get me off his back. But I just don’t know what else to say to convey to him that I’m pretty anxious about him being unable to say those words after living together for 9 months. It’s getting harder to squash the anxious thoughts like, he’s only with me bc he doesn’t want to separate our dogs, or just that if he doesn’t love me by now how will he ever love me? I know these are toxic thoughts and normally I can push them aside but I’m spiraling a little bit, and honestly my friends are no help (they kind of lean toward dumping him but I’m not ready to give up just yet). So I want to have a conversation so we can both get on the same page again about where we stand. And should I also straight up ask him what’s holding him back?? TIA!! 🙌🏻

TL;DR - I’ve been living with my boyfriend 9 months, exclusive 1 year, dating for 2 years. I’ve said I love you but he won’t say it back, says he’s not ready but he is on track to get there. How do I approach him to talk about where he stands and what is holding back?

Submitted October 05, 2021 at 03:14AM by throooowawaymylove https://ift.tt/3uQyvgn