Okay, internet, HELP:
My husband (28M) and I (29F) (married a year) have pretty mismatched sex drives. I would gladly get it on once or twice a day, enthusiastically. He’s definitely on the lower end, and when I wait for him to initiate he on the rare occasion does it every other day but usually it’s a one to two week gap (and then I usually initiate, because that’s what I want).
So last week, he’s all about it and we had sex three times. For me, that felt like a fucking miracle. Then a whole week goes by, and I ask if he’s in the mood (well before bed time and before either of us is tired). He’d just used nair above his groin and everything is a little sensitive and tells me as such, so nothing happens and we move on with our lives no big deal. The next day I asked how it was feeling out of genuine concern early in the evening (having felt the pain, I know it’s not super fun), and I’m genuinely not asking if we can have sex. Same thing, nothing happens and I don’t initiate and all is well in the world. The following evening, I mention it’s been a few days, I’m still horny af and want to know what’s up. He doesn’t answer, but we end up having sex and all seems good.
Then last night, it all went to hell. I try to initiate again, but he promptly shoots me down saying he pulled a muscle in his groin lifting and wasn’t feeling up to sex. So awhile later I ask how felt about getting me off without doing anything himself. Instead of answering, he just starts fingering me. I can tell something is off, so I ask him to stop and ask my question again saying I want to know how he feels about it, and only then if he’s on board proceed to do that. He refuses to respond, despite my protests for him to stop, and I chalk it up to him just being stubborn but being okay with it (since he did initiate, and ignored me when I asked him to stop). But I felt gross after I finished, and told him so. I said I really just wanted to have that conversation because I care about how he feels, and that while my sex drive is higher than his, I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself and what I want is the physical and emotional connection with him. Getting fingered by a guy who doesn’t want to be there is none of those things, and it really sucked.
And he just blows up. Not yelling or doing anything physical, but he becomes irrationally angry saying he only did it because that’s all I wanted. And he says when he said no to sex earlier that night, he meant all sexually acts, not just PIV. I’m angry and upset, too, because he ignored me entirely when I protested and tried to talk to him and just did whatever the hell he wanted. We fought all night, and all he really had to say is that I’m crazy about sex and he hates when I’m “always asking to have sex” and he doesn’t understand why I can’t appreciate all of the other things he does and see that as him showing me how much he cares about me and loves me (which I do see, and I do tell him, and I do feel loved/appreciated but I don’t feel WANTED, entirely different things).
So we go to bed angry and I wake up pissed. I can’t even look at him. He tries to act normal, gives me a kiss on my head and I just shrink away. I want nothing to do with him. So I get ready and head out the door, and I can hear him say something like “well I hope you have a great day!” as the door shuts behind me. An hour goes by, and he sends a text “I love you and hope you have a good day 😘” as if nothing ever happened.
I don’t know what to do. Anytime I try to bring up my needs and see what other solutions are out there and what he is and is not willing to do, he shuts down entirely. He says all I want is sex (which isn’t true, I want intimacy and to feel like he thinks I’m beautiful/sexy even if he doesn’t want to have sex, but he rarely does anything like that anymore.) and he hates when I’m “begging for it all the time” (his words). I feel like my feelings don’t matter, and we just do things according to what makes him comfortable.
He may be ready to go back to life as normal, but I tried to address it like an adult and was shrugged off. I feel like I have zero emotional capital to engage with him today because I’m livid and was completely ignored, but I’m sure I’ll get a lecture about acting like a child by not talking to him today.
So what can I do? I feel completely lost.
TL;DR Husband has a lower sex drive and refuses to engage when I try to find alternative solutions that work for us both. He acts like a child when I try to talk then pretends like nothing happened and tries to go back to life as normal.
Submitted October 07, 2021 at 09:35AM by itsausername20 https://ift.tt/3DlrxTH
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