Should I (39m) be doing more to trust her (38f) again? Is she accurate when she says that I'm not even trying anymore?

I don't know what way is up these days. Let me say, my girlfriend (Marie) was never a great partner. I know I'll be asked why I stayed with her and I can't answer that. I was just very in love with her.

We've been together for 10 years. There have been crappy incidents peppered throughout our history (her continuing to text her ex boyfriend the entire first year we were together, she had a drunken make out session at a park with a male coworker during our third year together, I caught her sexting some guy from POF...you get the picture). I LOVED her very much and she was a (sort of functional) alcoholic and these things mainly happened when she was drinking.

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Nearly 2 years ago I told her if she didn't get her act together I was moving out. She didn't do much to improve, so I actively began looking for another place to live (but I didn't actually move out). She was so angry at me that she started an affair. I didn't move out, and in fact stayed another 4 months until her ex-lover told me about their affair. At that point I moved out.

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That really woke her up. She stopped drinking immediately. She went to AA. She got into therapy. She begged me regularly to move home.

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I did not move home but I stayed in her life. I told her that I would move back once I felt safe with her again. And I explained that I needed to feel I could trust her...consistently.

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So basically what has been happening over the past 19 months or so: she has made "mistakes" every couple of months. Not big mistakes at all, but ones that I've explained really bother me (because it reminds me of the affair, and it does NOT help in rebuilding trust). It's really stupid things like texting guys from social media. She says I'm just becoming really controlling now (which I agree I guess I am, but I have no patience for her going down the same slippery slope that she was on many times before).

Also, I find I cannot have sex with her. I've tried, but it doesn't work. For me, if I don't trust someone I find it really difficult to be intimate. We have slept beside each other many times (although I never moved back in yet) but we don't have sex. I know she isn't getting it elsewhere (I won't get into a long explanation but I'm very sure).

She'll make another "mistake" (this time she was texting some guy she went to college with and when I asked to see their conversation she said she deleted it because I get so crazy). I DID get crazy at that point. I left and haven't been back for 2 weeks.

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She contacted me and said I'm not even trying. That I haven't tried to get past the affair. That I'm still punishing her. That I bring it up a lot (I do...I bring it up each time she makes a "mistake"). That I'm just really controlling and bitter now. She's also said that she feels less motivation to even try herself because we don't live together, I stay away each time I get mad and we don't have sex.

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I need an outside opinion. Should I be doing something else that I'm not aware of to start trusting her again? I have always felt that the onus is on her to be trustworthy and transparent (which I don't really feel she is), but she says she's TRYING hard to be what I want, but that she forgets all my "rules" sometimes and I just get so mad over the smallest things and I've become too controlling.

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Should I be doing something else? Or are we just over?

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tldr: I don't know how to start trusting my partner again.

Submitted August 23, 2021 at 05:19PM by DifficultyHead50 https://ift.tt/2WnEtIg