Boyfriend wants kids; I'm too ill to have (and look after) any.

I'm 21F and my boyfriend is 21M. We're both going to be 22 soon. We've been together for 7 months now.

I am disabled and have multiple autoimmune diseases. I only became disabled last year, at 20 years old, and I am finding it hard to adjust. I had to give up my career and lost everything I worked so hard towards, because of my ever worsening health.

I always wanted to foster or adopt children. Unfortunately, now that I am old enough (you must be 21 in the UK to foster/adopt), I am too unwell, simply put, to look after myself, let alone a child. My boyfriend has never wanted children so our future plans weren't ever an issue. I know we're still young to consider children but this is years down the line we're talking about).

He's been grieving a lot of loved ones and has told me recently that he thinks he wants children now, so there is something of him left when he's gone. It's reasonable to feel that way and I understand completely. I love children and I know I can be a good mum. I raised my 4 year old sister as though she were my daughter (before I became disabled).

However, as aforementioned, due to my severe conditions, I can't foster/adopt. Nor can my body can't sustain a pregnancy. Surrogacy isn't really an option either because I don't have the health to look after a child, whatsoever.

My boyfriend understood that and he hasn't mentioned it since. However, I love him and I don't want him to go without because it's important to him. This isn't something to compromise on because it's either we stay together and never have kids (Even through adoption/fostering), or he finds someone else and has kids with them.

If having kids is that important to him, then he needs someone who can give that to him.

I don't want it to get to years down the line and us to feel sad because of the situation or one of us to feel some sort of resentment. I love him but if kids is what he honestly wants, then I think he should be with someone who can give him that.

I love him and I want him to find happiness, even if it's not with me.

He said it's fine but I can't shake this feeling of inadequacy that I have and the shame I feel over my disabilities affecting my life completely.

I know I need therapy to accept my conditions and that a childfree life does not make life any less fulfilling. I just didn't anticipate that he would change his mind and I don't want him to sacrifice something he wants, just for me. I just feel so ashamed of myself. I know I'm overthinking but I can't bear the thought of him being upset years down the line and me being helpless in the situation.

Does anyone have any advice? Am I wrong to feel this way?

Note: he didn't make me feel bad. We have a 100% honesty relationship and we talk through our feelings. It wasn't what he said. It's just my feelings and underlying shame and frustration I feel over my disabilities affecting my future even more than they already have.

TLDR: Boyfriend wants kids; I'm too ill to have (and look after/foster or adopt) any. I feel inadequate now and don't know what to do or feel).

Submitted August 30, 2021 at 08:43AM by bigdisappointment_ https://ift.tt/3zuBhcB