Possible SA TW: I found out my partner cheated on me (again) with someone from our apartment building. (Long post, TL;DR at the end)

Sorry if this is a long post, or if this is in the wrong place, but there's a lot of backstory (more than I've already written) and I usually never post, but I need to share it somewhere since I feel like I can't tell anybody.

Me (24M) and my partner (21F) recently got a place together, and had spent had gone out for food, and decided to get a couple of drinks afterwards. I had work in the morning and had made clear that I needed to leave by midnight at the latest, but since we'd met a couple of people on the night out, she didn't have to come back with me since I assumed she'd be safe.

By midnight, we'd both had a few drinks but I'd stopped as I needed to be able to drive in the morning. She wanted to continue drinking, and had almost drank double what I had (for reference, she can drink me under the table 3 times over), and seemed completely fine, and was chatting and dancing with the girls in a group of friends we'd made that night. One of our friends from our apartment building (I'll call him Harry for clarity) was coming out to meet her too, so I knew she'd have no issue coming home since she wouldn't be walking alone.

I said goodbye to group we were with, and we agreed to text each other to let the other know the other was safe or if plans changed. As I was heading back, I saw Harry, we talk for a minute and I carry on.

On getting back to the apartment, I text my partner as agreed, letting her know I'm home, and she messages me back saying she's happy etc. I let her know I'm probably going straight to sleep, as I need to be up at 7am to get ready for work. She texts back telling me she loves me etc, and I go to sleep.

Cue 4am, I hear someone trying to get into the apartment. I'm half awake at this point as I assume its her but I know she's ok, but I hear her 'shhh"ing someone in the hallway. Assuming this to be Harry, I just assume she's trying get him to be quiet since she knows I'm sleeping. A few minutes later, she bursts into the room, stumbling over clothes she left on the floor while getting ready, and falling on to the edge of the bed. She starts talking about how she had a great night, before exclaiming "shit!" dropping her phone, and then proceeding to crawl out of the bedroom.

Being fully awake now, I get dressed and head to the living room where she's slumped over the sofa, babbling to herself. I check if she's okay and she starts telling me how she's been trying to act as if she's my age, trying to be more mature for me but she's struggling because she's only 21, and continues on to say "I don't deserve you, you're too good for me etc." which struck me as odd, since she's never mentioned this before. She also mentions that Harry had made sure she didn't make a fool of herself and helped her home as she had drunk too much, which is unusual for her (this is relevant later). I reassure her, we talk for a bit and I head back to bed, but I have a gut feeling since the last time she was talking like this, she'd ended up cheating on me with a mutual friend while drunk.

She comes to the bedroom about 10 minutes later, and starts telling me she thinks she has Autism or ADHD, as she struggles to read social situations (i.e. when she's flirting, being flirted with) and dissociates a lot, among other things (I'm not entirely knowledgeable about mental health issues so I'm not an expert on symptoms of ADHD or Autism) but hasn't been diagnosed and is scared to go to a doctor to be diagnosed. She leaves a few minutes later and I go back to sleep.

I woke up the next morning, and went to check on her since we have two bedrooms and she didn't want to disturb me. Found her sprawled on the bed in the spare room, she was breathing and seemed to be ok so I set out about getting ready. However, I still have the gut feeling from the night before, and something just doesn't sit right with me. I open up Snapchat, and see she's posted a story of her and a guy I didn't recognize dancing (I am aware people can dance as friends, but this was two people with arms around each other and faces a few inches apart).

I was curious so I text our mutual friend who met up with her about what'd happened. However, while I still don't know what happened with the guy she was dancing with, Harry immediately apologizes to me. At some point, either on the walk home or in the club, her and Harry were dancing and ended up kissing. He tells me he feels awful and it wasn't worth it, and for what it's worth it wont happen again, but he understands if I don't trust him again. Further to this, he sends me screenshots of messages she sent him AFTER she got home, of them having casual conversation and then her saying to him "I want to kiss you again", to which he replies "Stop it". She mentions that she knows and that she can't do it again because of me, whether that means because I'm home or because she suddenly feels guilty, I have no idea.

Finding this out, I immediately confronted her. I did wake her up, and told her that I know she kissed our friend last night. Her response, and I shit you not, was "Oh god I know. It wasn't even that good either", and I lose my shit a little bit. I tell her we're done and she's screwed the relationship for the final time (I'll provide more backstory on the other time she cheated on me at the end). She says it wasn't in that was, and I tell her I've seen the conversation she had with our friend about telling him she wanted to kiss him again. She barely responds, and ends up going back to sleep. I tell her that shows how little she cares about what she's done, and end up going to work as I'm already late as it is.

I also reference the snapchat of her dancing with the guy on her story, which she quickly deleted.

A few hours later, she messages me saying she's "not sure there's much to say about, but it still happened and she's sorry. I'll admit, I threw the apology back in her face, referencing things she said the night before about the guy she kissed helping her home, how she messaged him while talking to me telling him that she wanted to kiss him again, and how this is exactly how she reacted when I'd caught her out cheating previously, to which her response was "okay".

I leave it for a few hours as I'm working, until she texts me again saying "I bought you a McDonalds". I respond by telling her I'm done and I'm moving out. She continues to tell me I don't need to move out because she doesn't want me to. I'm a petty bastard and tell her "Oh ok, I've changed my mind. You and Harry kissing and telling him you want to kiss him again is fine now".

A lot of conversation occurs, mostly me being pissed since this isn't the first time she cheated, her telling me she can fix it, me telling her I have no trust in her anymore and her responding with "It's only happened twice though".

Later, she messages me telling me that although she didn't want to mention it, but her friend told her she should, she was spiked by the guy she was dancing with, who was buying her drinks after I left, as she'd only bought one more drink since I left before the guy started buying her drinks. I ask her if she knows for certain if she was spiked, and she tells me she doesn't remember anything after having the drink and went from being tipsy to blackout drunk, and walking home not being able to walk properly (around the time she kissed our friend, which is confirmed to have been her making an advance on him).

I tell her she needs to get a drugs test or talk to the police or whatever the process is after being spiked, as anything could have happened and if she doesn't remember she needs to check she hasn't be SA'd, however she tells me she won't bother because it's not really worth the hassle. I'm annoyed (Although possibly not rightly so) since she seems so uncaring about the situation, which if true means she was spiked and anything could have happened to her, and if untrue means she's trying to make excuses for her cheating on me (Note this isn't a case of not believing her as a victim, but more that she's given excuses like this before for getting too drunk and doing stupid things and she's confessed to be untrue. IF it is true then I agree I've been an asshole, and I'd do everything to make sure she gets help).

She turns the situation on me telling me its her body and she can do what she wants, which is true and I'd never tell her to do otherwise, but I feel like in the case of SA and being spiked I'd want the person who had done that to me to face some sort of repercussion? (I know the number victims reporting SA is low, along with the stigma and the issues with reporting SA, I can understand why women don't report SA. The system being stacked against SA victims is insane).

I got home from work and told her I'd be looking for a new place at the start of the week, but until then I've split up our stuff into two rooms so we have our own space for the time being. She responds over and over telling me she loves me and she wants to fix it, but apart from going down the route of helping her get a test after being spiked and all, I can't trust her anymore since she's cheated on me again.

So currently waiting to look at new apartments and I've split up our stuff so we have as little contact time as possible. Maybe I'm being an asshole, but having been cheated on twice in the last four months by the same girl and giving her the benefit of the doubt the first time and having only just got to a place where trust was being rebuilt after the last time she cheated, I feel the relationship is irredeemable, no matter how much I love her and she supposedly loves me.

RE the previous cheating story, and more:

I found out my partner had texted a guy we knew asking him "if he wanted a relationship or just a shag? I don't care which." after we'd had an argument because she was drunk and had been flirting with this guy all nigth. and then proceeded to meet up with him and his friends after we'd argued and lying on him telling him he was beautiful and she really liked him. The only reason he didn't reciprocate is because he was on an acid trip and barely knew she was there, but freely admitted if he wasn't out of it he would have slept with her. Two days later, he sends me screenshots of the messages she sent him, with context of what had happened that night, backed up by a mutual friend of ours. I confronted her and she said she didn't remember it happening, however the night of she made her way back to my place and mentioned that I wouldn't be able to trust her and and she was sorry, but not mentioning why. She'd also deleted the messages she sent, and she showed me her DM's on Instagram as proof that she hadn't seen them, however I had screenshots of the messages which filled in a gap between casual conversation they'd had.

On top of this, she was with a guy when we started dating, that I didn't know about. I ended up telling him what had happened, as I'd want to know the same.

She told me she loved me within 2 months. I told her I wasn't at that point or ready to tell her that. She responded by breaking up with me on Christmas Eve, and starting dating one of our other mutual friends within a week. After a month, she told him she loved him. Ended up breaking up with him because she realized she only did it as a rebound (she did take his virginity though, idk if that's too much context). However, again there was an overlap as I didn't know she hadn't actually broken up with him when we'd started seeing each other again, at which point I told her if she didn't tell him I will. I ended up telling him.

Told the same guy (somehow we all ended up staying friends for a while) that she wanted to sleep with another guy in our friend group. Denies it to this day, but the entire friend group knows she said this, as well as almost getting into a threesome with said guy and his girlfriend.

Eventually said friend group alienated her as whenever she drinks or does drugs (which is almost every night if she can afford it, and usually whatever she can get her hands on) she ends up causing drama between everybody and they're fed up with it.

TL:DR - Living with girlfriend. Girlfriend stayed out drinking after our date. After getting home, told me a mutual friend looked after her and stopped her from getting in a bad situation. Found out the next morning from said friend she'd kissed him, and sent me screenshots of her telling him she wants to kiss him again. Denied it being anything but platonic, and later tells me she was spiked by a guy she was dancing with who bought her drinks which may have caused it. Previous history of lying and cheating suggests otherwise.

TL:DR Mini version - Girlfriend cheated with friend. Cheated previously.

Submitted August 28, 2021 at 12:10PM by Tasty_Reaction_4544 https://ift.tt/3znBXAy