I (29m) called my fiance (27f) stupid for having an eating disorder. (Because I am an idiot.) I'm scared she's going to leave me.

I am a massive asshole. If you've come here to tell me that, you're preaching to the choir. I just want to know how to do better. This is long, but I think it needs to be.

TLDR: My fiance has an eating disorder I don't understand and, in my concerned anger, I called her stupid for not being able to do something as simple as just eating. I've realized my mistake and apologized, but she's been cold to me ever since. I fucked up. How do I make this better?

My (29m) fiance (27f), who I'll call 'Nicole', confided in me three nights ago that her eating disorder has been acting up. She told me that the reason is because of her autoimmune disorder. Since about March, every couple nights (or more), Nicole has been covered in massive, red, itchy hives, literally from head to toe. They've been so painful she's woken up in the night crying, and I've held her and brought her whatever she needs and been there however I can be. She's also been absolutely exhausted, so she hasn't been moving around as much and has gained maybe 5-6 pounds. Nicole has always been pretty skinny, so I barely notice and I think she's beautiful no matter what, and I've told her this. But, as Nicole explained three nights ago, me saying 'I don't mind if you gain weight' doesn't help her, because it only affirms that she's gaining weight and makes her more self conscious. She asked me to stop saying that and to be patient with her, and assured me that she does want to seek therapy in a couple months when her work benefits kick in and would cover it. I said I did (and I do) support her in this.

Then, two nights ago, I came home from work absolutely exhausted. (I work in shipping), and I didn't want to cook. She does almost all the chores except I cook, since I used to work in restaurants and it's the one chore she hates doing. Anyway, I offered to make rice and some chicken, something really simple. She said she felt a bit nauseous and would just have a small bowl of rice- despite having eaten only some fruit earlier that morning. I got worried for her and, instead of calmly telling her that I love her and want to help her, I stupidly lashed out and said 'is this going to be a fight, me begging you to eat a full meal now?', and Nicole told me she 'didn't want to fight' and walked out of the room. I made my dinner, ate, and left the rice in the cooker for her. Before I fell asleep, Nicole came into the bedroom and asked if we could resolve this and asked to explain to me why my words hurt. I said no, I needed to sleep for work tomorrow. She said fine, and that she was going to sleep in the guest bedroom for the night. I said she could have the master bedroom and stormed out. Nicole followed me and asked me to hear her out.

Here's where I fucked up massively. I was tired, and so I lashed out. I shouted;
'I don't fucking get it, how hard is it just to eat!? It's a basic, normal, bodily function! For someone who's so smart and does research for a living (that's her job now), you should know to fucking eat! It's really not that hard just put a fucking fork in your mouth, I don't get why this is difficult for you.'

Nicole went quiet. Then she patiently told me; 'You have ADD, and I don't. I will never know what it's like to not be able to focus. But when you forget things, not once do I shout at you to 'just fucking remember things', because I understand that's not how your mind works. Instead, I've scheduled reminders for you, taken on scheduling for us, and try to adapt to your needs to better help you. I may not understand it, just like you don't understand my ED, but I still try. But you won't do the same for me, and that fucking sucks.'

Then she walked away and went to bed. I felt like utter shit and almost immediately apologized when I realized what I'd done. She was crying, but when I asked if she could forgive me, she nodded. I fucked up, reddit. I really, really fucked up. Today when she came home from work, she didn't jump on me and smother me in kisses like she usually does. She hasn't called me on my breaks to say 'I love you and hope you're having a good day'. She's been treating me like a roommate and I can't blame her, but I'm so, so terrified I'm going to lose her. I apologized again, several times, and she's hugged me back and said 'it's okay', but I know it's not. She looks like she's gonna cry, and she's eating even less than before. I fucked up so bad. Please, what do I do!?

Submitted August 26, 2021 at 10:24PM by RAthrowaway2592 https://ift.tt/38iiPYR