My partner (32F) and I (34M) are getting married this summer, and I think I don't want to get married or be with her long term.
When we got engaged (2 years ago) I felt great about our relationship. It was never perfect, but I felt good about her and our future.
The last 1.5 years has changed a lot. COVID made things hard, and she recently lost a parent, and I would feel very guilty about calling off a wedding to someone who just lost their most important family member.
Before she lost a parent, I was not happy in the relationship and considered calling off our engagement a few times. I'm not interested in her sexually; we used to have a great physical connection but now have sex maybe once every 2 months. I'm probably a pretty average looking guy, but I've become less physically attracted to her. We used to have more in common. I previously thought she would be a great parent, but certain things have made me less confident. I'm much more supportive in helping with her family issues than she is in helping me with mine. We both have good salaries and she makes a little more than me, but I don't trust her with money at all. We were planning to move to my hometown where I always wanted to live after we lived where she wanted to live, that is now on hold and I don't trust that she will want to do that anymore. I'm more easy going than her and she is getting snobbier, which I don't like. We used to not fight a lot, but we fight a lot about the details and cost of the wedding.
She has a good heart, we share the same values on many key things, and she has many good qualities, but there's a lot that I don't like anymore. We did counseling but it didn't fix any of the issues I have with her. She can tell that I've lost interest but I don't think she knows that I'm considering leaving. I am 100% confident she wants to be with me; if she broke up with me, I would be shocked but also relieved.
With her, I am not living the life I want to live, and I am worried that if I have a kid with her, I will never get the things in life that I want. This may sound bad, but I also want someone who makes me better, and she doesn't make me better at anything.
She wants to have kids right after the wedding. I used to want that, but now I don't, since then I'll be more stuck with her. A marriage is a lot easier to get out of when kids aren't involved.
This is really hard. We've dated for a long time and she has been very excited to get married. She lost a parent which has been so hard and I have so much sympathy for her. However, I feel like I'm only getting married to make her happy but I feel I'm signing up for a life I don't want, with a person who I've already lost a lot of interest in. If we were not engaged and she had both parents, this relationship would be over, but she is going through the worst thing she ever has and I feel terrible making things worse right now. Part of me thinks I can give it more time and maybe things get better, but this has been getting worse for over a year now.
Would be great to get opinions on how to handle this - is it better to leave a situation you don't want to be in or stick to provide support to someone you care about but don't want to be with and live a life you don't really want?
TL/DR: Considering calling off engagement to long term partner who recently lost a parent
Submitted July 03, 2021 at 01:05PM by Entire_Nothing2165 https://ift.tt/3jE7hGg
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