We (M&F both mid 30's) have been married over a decade and have 3 kids. We're growing further and further apart. My number one issue is that she can be very rude at times, completely uncalled for. She doesn't see a problem with being rude. Like she's said to me "I don't have to be nice to you". She gets really snappy and worked up with the slightest bit of disagreement. Discussions can literally escalate from perfectly fine to screaming, huffing and puffing within seconds.
What doesn't help is she has anxiety. Diagnosed by 2 different healthcare professionals of different disciplines. She thinks it's under control and isn't doing anything about it. She was told to workout 5-6 days a week and/or take meds and she's not doing either. If this is brought up, she gets very defensive, very quickly and says things "my anxiety doesn't define me" and gets upset. Her anxiety has been the source of many, many fights. I know it's not her fault but refusing to do something about it is entirely her fault. She sometimes takes it out on the kids too.
She has what's referred to as a "strong personality" which is a name I disagree with. I know there's positive aspects to it and appreciate those but when it comes off as "if I don't get what I want, I scream and exaggerate and play victim until I get my way" then it's just a terrible personality. Other people have noticed this so I know it's not just my bias. A family member, who was a very close friend of hers in the past, brought up to her that she can be rude and disrespectful sometimes and she pretty much ended their friendship and it's just a superficial relationship now.
What's triggering this post is another incident of uncalled for rude behavior. I'm out of town at someone's house, we get on video chat, she asked me to go somewhere private, I said there's no one in the living room and started speaking quietly and turned down the volume (people were at the den across the house). she said she heard people, I told her they've left already. She goes "it's fine, we don't have to talk, goodnight" Click!
Like, I get that you wanted to be in a more private place. You could just say "I'd be more comfortable if you went somewhere more private" and I'd have no problem whatsoever. I went somewhere else, called back and asked why she was rude, she said because I was rude, that I "dismissed" her (she says this every time we disagree), and that I deserved that.
Why are we still together? Our kids (cliche, I know). Well, we share a lot in common as far as values and upbringing and are pretty much on the same page about how to raise our kids. I have a very tight relationship with my kids that I'd feel it's extremely selfish to end the relationship and put them through a divorce and deprive them of having both parents in their lives on a daily basis. I keep thinking it's gonna end at some point but this is a very unhealthy mindset to have in a marriage so I force myself to think "I'm in this for the long haul, just have to make it work". We've done therapy so many times which helps but... meh!
I have flaws, plenty of them. We all do. She has many others. I don't complain about them. All I'm asking for is just be a nice, courteous person. Is that too much to ask?
I know this begs the question of why we got married in the first place. We come from a religious community where our "dating" phase is more like courtship. It was relatively short and almost entirely long distance. Other than a few visits, our relationship was on the phone/email. This side of her barely showed. Looking back, there were hints that I ignored because I was so deeply in love. Just brushed it off as a cute, harmless, feisty side of hers. I was gently warned by a couple family members but again, I was blinded with love. Why didn't I end it before kids? Everytime I was about to, I'd remember my flaws and think "I got issues too, this is part of marriage" and keep my head down and keep going.
Tldr; Wife refuses to treat her anxiety which amplifies her rudeness and short temper. I just want her to be nice to me. Is that too much to ask?
Submitted July 28, 2021 at 09:14PM by nsiq114 https://ift.tt/3ihuT2x
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