Sorry for the writing, not a native speaker. For some context:
My mom and I have always had a complicated relationship, like many people do. She had anger management issues and when we lived together she used to berate me endlessly and even hit me. I've always tried to be understanding to her circumstances. We've always struggled financially and being a single mom I know her situation is really stressful.
A very frequent conflict she had issues with, being quite traumatic for me, happened whenever I felt silent after she demanded I respond her questions. She has a very specific tone and face filled with rage and entitlement. I've never done it to get back at her or something, I literally feel paralyzed and I'm unable to say something out of true fear.
She's had professional help for the last 3 years, almost as long as I've lived on my own far away. I really felt like she changed, she is infinitely more calm and understanding, she seems less stressed out overall. I was glad and genuinely happy that she was able to get help.
I've personally been dealing with some financial struggles while balancing work with college; eventually getting to the point of pausing college to work on my mental health and financial situation. The pandemic came and it basically exacerbated the whole situation, I really hit rock bottom at the start of 2021 and have only started getting better recently. It is definitely a sensitive topic for me to discuss and deal with.
This brings us to yesterday:
I came to my hometown for a couple of weeks with my birthday as an excuse but, really seeking some support and love from friends and family. It was going great, I've been able to open up with some close friends about my struggles and I've even had some good moments with my mom when she opened up about her own struggles.
She then brought up the topic of college, work and my overall future. It got to the point where I was feeling uncomfortable, the conversation felt really heavy and I asked her if we could stop discussing it. She kept pressing and when I started tearing up I saw it again, the same face and tone she had years ago that always got to me. She started demanding I tell her what's going on, she said she was entitled to know since she was my mother.
I lost it, I put on my shoes and went outside. I was crying uncontrollably and felt so hurt. I called my girlfriend because I was afraid i was going to do something bad or stupid. She fortunately managed to calm me down and I asked a friend if I could stay overnight. So I went back to the apartment to get my stuff.
I was hoping my mom would apologize perhaps or at least ask if I was OK. To my dismay, she was indignant, she felt like my response was unwarranted and told me she didn't deserve that. It was at that point that I stopped using her mental illness and anger management issues as an excuse for her behavior, she really didn't give a single fuck about how I felt and was more concerned with how it affected her.
I was packing my stuff while she kept berating me with this entitled attitude. I even tried to explain her what was wrong with what she did and how hurt I was that she wasn't considering how I was feeling. She started accusing me of not caring how SHE felt and that I was disingenuous with fake empathy when I listened to her vent for the past week.
I was starting to get angry because it seemed like she learned nothing from all our past experiences, making comments like: "so we can't talk about your future without you breaking down? Really?", "I don't know why you got offended, I didn't say anything bad", "I'm speaking calmly, why are you being disrespectful". It reminded me of how she used to call me names like "pussy" or "maricón" (mexican slur for Fggt) for remaining silent and crying. And I felt really disappointed because she absolutely knows I have a issues with her confrontation, she's apologized numerous times in several occasions and I'd always forgive her.
I understand if she was concerned, I haven't told her much about my current situation, she just knows I paused college because of the financial struggle. But, like I explained to her, the subject matter wasn't what triggered me, it was the way she went about it. Had she given me space and took notice of how obviously distressed I seemed, I would've trusted her more and felt comfortable enough to tell her the things she wanted to know.
She didn't get it nor was she having any of my "attitude" and my cursing (which wasn't directed at her). She fixated on the fact that she didn't say anything wrong, so it must have been an issue with me being overly sensitive. And the fact that she was more upset about me being "disrespectful" only reinforced the idea that I would never be able to trust her and be more open to her.
I told her she was about to lose her son, I wasn't gonna keep a relationship in my life that does more harm than good. I felt the same as the worst day on the worst week of me hitting rock bottom. I told her I was sorry about the mental health issues she was going through and told her I had to take care of myself and headed to the door.
She broke down, she clung to me and started crying and begged me not to leave. That was the only moment in the whole interaction where I felt she was coming from a place of love and concern. I removed her hands from me, looked at her for a moment and closed the door. That was the first time I didn't rush back to forgive her about what she did.
This is the part I'm not so sure about. I left her on a very vulnerable moment with the prospect of losing a son. We've always been each other's support in life, struggling by ourselves. I don't know if I'm being cruel or perhaps exaggerated to her comments.
TL;DR My mother has a way of demanding answers that triggers me and brings back past trauma. I thought her own experience with therapy would've changed that behavior but now I'm wondering if she'll ever change and whether or not I should cut ties with her for my own sake.
Submitted July 30, 2021 at 03:40PM by jean98wit https://ift.tt/3j9Ux8w
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