Really grateful for any help or advice because I am at the end of my tether with this. Apologies in advance for the length.
A bit of necessary backstory:
I'm from Dublin Ireland, my girlfriend is Canadian. We met online, and I moved to be with her on a temporary visa. Things were great in the beginning, we connected on so many levels and I have never been so attracted to anyone - physically and otherwise. She was so vibrant, funny, smart and we just had such a great time together. I knew she was 'the one' and wanted to marry her. Anyway, after maybe 6 months or so she sunk into a depression due to a variety of factors. Things deteriorated very quickly and our relationship soured as a lot of her pain was expressed around or at me due to my proximity. I tried my best to help and support her - although I must say it was incredibly difficult and isolating at times - but eventually my visa expired and I was forced to move back to Dublin. That was a little over a year ago (just before coronavirus).
More recently:
We have not seen each other physically since I left due to the pandemic and travel restrictions. In that time, our lives have moved in quite different directions. I got a really good job, bought a house, rebuilt my savings, reconnected with old friends and have had a very busy and active life despite the challenging circumstances. Her life has spiralled further out of control. She is still unemployed, is living with her sister (with whom she doesn't have a good relationship), has no friends, barely leaves the house and is not taking care of herself at all. She is thoroughly, thoroughly miserable and a shell of the girl I met and fell in love with. This in turn has made the relationship very difficult as the vast majority of our conversations are dominated by her misery - talking about the latest issue/problem she is dealing with. I feel more like a therapist than her boyfriend. I do feel strongly she has a 'victim' mentality and does not take well to me suggesting things that might help in her life, or trying to move our conversations in a more positive direction. I totally get that people need to vent and talk about pain sometimes, but the shear amount of misery and the cumulative effect of all of these conversations over the course of literally years (combined with what I went through while with her in person) has taken a toll on my mental health to the extent that I now see a therapist. It is incredibly draining and I hate to admit but I sometimes dread the thought of talking to her. She has been upset at me recently for not talking to her as much as we used to.
'Why not tell her how you feel' you might ask. I have, on numerous occasions and as gently as I possibly can while still strongly conveying the message - that while I understand she needs to talk when she's upset, there has to be some balance, both for the sake of my mental health and the relationship. It hasn't helped. After a little break we spoke recently and I carried the conversation, trying to keep it upbeat with funny things that happened to me recently, talking about plans she might have, or current affairs - anything just wanting to have a positive and fun conversation with her. She kept bringing it back to things she was upset about and was on the verge of crying much of the time. Then I guess she became aware of what she was doing and began actually crying about how she's 'ruined the relationship' and how I would leave her. Of course I tried to reassure her to the contrary but, in short, nothing has really changed - except that by being honest and trying to improve the situation with her I have seemingly given her another thing to be miserable about.
I really hope I don't come across as unsympathetic on this, because I consider myself to be an extremely empathetic person and I'm genuinely devastated at what's happened to her. I've had my own mental health problems in the past, so I know what it's like to some extent. But, at the same time, it's been years. I feel this is holding my life back and I'm starting to resent her for it. I really don't think she has it as bad as she sometimes makes it seem and has much to be grateful for but I know that's ultimately not something I can change her mind on. Really I'm just increasingly accepting that there's nothing more I can do for her.
My therapist and others have told me that, for my sake, I need to distance myself and limit contact - but how can I? One, she will pick up on this and get even more upset. Two, and more importantly, she herself has admitted that she has no one else (apart from her therapist). She has pushed away or withdrawn from all of her friends and family (although she would put the blame on them). She has been suicidal in the past and I am worried that, given how miserable she already is, I'd push her that way again by leaving.
I feel a tremendous amount of guilt and responsibility, maybe in part since I have done relatively well since we parted. I must also say there is a part of me that still sees sees her as that vibrant, happy and wonderful person I fell in love with and I can't bare to let go. I love and care about her deeply despite all the difficulties. Canada's travel restrictions are easing soon and I am eligible for another visa to move there. Part of me wonders if I moved to be with her, or moved her to be with me things might be like they were at the beginning. The other part of me is terrified of being essentially trapped with her, dealing with all of the above with no escape and her depending on me to completely take care of her.
I don't know what to do. Thanks for reading.
TL;DR - my long distance girlfriend's extreme depression is impacting my mental health and I'm afraid to commit further but I'm also afraid to let go because I love her, feel guilty and she has no one else.
Submitted July 31, 2021 at 04:20AM by yetanotherthrowa89 https://ift.tt/3jbjSPe
No comments:
Post a Comment