Would you spend the time that she has left trying to get her into a hospital? Or would you just simply spend the time?

I'm writing this on my phone, so I'm sorry for the messiness. Cw: alcoholism, severe depression This one is a bit dark, but if anyone can relate and has some advice it would be very welcome.

This month I've arranged to go and spend a few days with my (25f) Aunt (57f). I haven't seen her since 2019, and the past couple of years she has been in an extremely dark place.

After her divorce 6 years ago, her alcoholism and depression took a much stronger hold. She no longer leaves her house, has pretty severe complications related to alcoholism, and has obviously been drinking every hour day or night, throwing up constantly, sleeping all the time or not at all, rarely eating etc. She was in quite a hopeless daily routine of those things. It's gotten much worse the past few months, which I honestly didn't think possible.

She lives alone in a big city where she has no one (she burnt all bridges with any acquaintances the past few years), so she calls my mom (her sister) about 5-6x a day. When she calls she is often crying, and a lot of the time incoherent. Once in a while she will call just to talk, and bits of her old self peek through. She doesn't call anyone else other than my mom, myself, maybe rarely another one of her siblings...she hates it if people realize how sick she really is.

We all live quite far away so we can't do much but listen, offer advice or ask her if she's been seeing her doctor, etc. I can't begin to tell you how useless you can feel being hundreds of miles away, asking her if she's had anything to eat today or been outside at all, when you know the hell she is going through mentally.

She finally took herself to the hospital a few months ago (after we pleaded), and she stayed for a few days. The doctors had her on IV, fluids, ran tests and MRIs and found her to have pancreatitis and quite a number of other things wrong. They wanted to keep her longer but she wanted to leave, and a couple of days later she was back where she started. During that stint at the hospital the doctor said that she is unable to travel anywhere due to her health, which she is adamant about when any of us invite her to come and stay a while to get her feet back under her. Sadly I think some shame and embarrassment play a bit of a role in there, too.

This morning she called sobbing because she had just taken a drunken fall and banged herself up quite badly. She thought her ankle might be sprained or fractured. Obviously from so far away we can't do anything, so my mom tried to convince her to go to the hospital, to at least get her ankle looked at. She either avoids any talk of going to the hospital, or says she'll go the elusive 'next week'. If she does address the idea of going to hospital, she says she is scared they'll 'lock her up' or think the worst of her. She has said she sees no point in trying to get better, as she has other serious health complications she'll have to deal with on the other end of this, so 'what is the point?'. She absolutely is suicidal. She does not really want to be here, but she would never end her own life abruptly. She would rather stay in her home, drink until she doesn't have to think, and remain there.

So I've planned to head up to spend a weekend with her during the holidays. I feel horrible that she scrapes along each day on her own, and I'm pretty well aware that if things don't get better in the next month or two, this may be my last time seeing her. I don't think she's seen anyone in her family in a year, at least. Since her family are the only people she has a relationship with, she's been pretty isolated for this whole time.

My question is for anyone who have seen a family member in a similar spot. If you've dealt with a loved one barely functioning, sick as hell, and feeling hopeless. It might be a naive question, but I don't have much experience dealing with alcoholism and this much severe depression. How would you approach a visit like this?

Part of me wants to try and talk her into going to the hospital, spending my visit alongside her while she is in there so she doesn't feel so alone. I think having someone there in person may help her go to the hospital. I could try to support her through that process and make it a little less scary than if she were on her own. Maybe show some tough love in order to get her to go, if it comes to it. It worked once.

The other part of me knows that she may not go to the hospital, and that I can't force her to go. Maybe I should spend the weekend trying to give her some joy, being someone she can talk to, and trying to make her laugh. Maybe I should focus more on trying to let her have a good day in the midst of hundreds of dark ones.

I miss my aunt, and I hate what this disease has done to her body and her brain. She is all mixed up. I want to help, but I also know that she needs to want to help herself. It feels very messy from this close, and I'm struggling to rationally figure out how I can best help her.

How would you approach a visit like this? How do you know when to stop pushing for her to get help? And lastly...even if it sounds bad... Is there a point, after exhausting every option and every single thing you can do...is there a point that comes, where you need to listen to this person's wishes, that they don't want to try any longer? Do you try to make some good out of the time that they have left?

I would like to just add that I know I'm not a therapist and I'm not trying to be one. I know I can't fix this problem, and I can't singlehandedly turn things around for her. She needs medical, professional help. I am her family and her friend. I love her and I will do whatever I can to get her to the people who can help her feel better.

A tldr feels weird with this, but here. Tldr; what would you do to best help a severely depressed and sick family member, if you were heading to visit?

Submitted December 04, 2021 at 08:20PM by throwawayrk238 https://ift.tt/3pwp7My