I’m really struggling to even put this post together because I feel crazy, but this is coming up every fight and I need an outside reality check. I’m sorry it’s very long.
My husband (41M) and I (34F) have been together 4 years and have been married for 1. We’ve never fought well, the early part of our relationship was really toxic, looking back. He was sure that I had lied to him about my sexual and dating history because I hadn’t wanted to tell him about some embarrassing past relationships. He went through my phone and tablet and computer repeatedly, searching for slip ups in my “story”, hiding cameras in the house, even going to so far as to pose as me on Facebook to try and pump a one-time partner for information. Eventually I cut all ties with anyone I had anything resembling a romantic history with (including some good friends I had dated years previously), changed my phone number, wiped my social media, and we went to couples counseling. Things got better, we got married. Now we fight a lot less, but it’s still not good. And lately, any time we fight it ends with him telling me that I’m abusive. Specifically that I’m verbally/emotionally abusing him. I don’t want to be that partner, and I don’t know what to do.
Specific example, because it’s fresh in my mind: Tonight I’m making dinner, I make a stupid mistake, I cut my finger. It looks bad, there’s a lot of blood. I tell him I need help. He asks what I need specifically, I joke stitches. He asks if a bandaid would work. I say yes. He asks where they are. I can’t remember, I’m freaking out, I tell him this. He says he doesn’t know either. A few minutes later, I come out of the kitchen with a paper towel wrapped around my finger and he’s playing on his phone, I ask about the bandaid. He says again he doesn’t know where they are, so I go upstairs and find one under the sink. I get upset that he didn’t help, I point out that they’ve been in the same place since we moved in, he says I never told him where they were. We go back and forth, eventually he says clearly I did a bad job unpacking the house since no one can find anything. I shoot back with “then do it yourself asshole” (not my finest moment, I know name calling gets us nowhere) and then he starts screaming at me that I am abusive, leave him alone, why won’t I leave him alone, shut up, stop harassing him. I’m shouting at this point too, how am I abusive, I haven’t moved from the kitchen, he should shut up. Then he threatens to call 911, tell them I’m abusive and crazy and have me taken away.
So I made my dinner in silence and then posted here. I really do feel crazy writing it down. Am I an abusive spouse? Obviously our fighting isn’t healthy but it’s rare and we’re working on it. What do I specifically need to be working on to not be a shitty person?
TL;DR Husband (41) is telling wife (34) she is verbally abusive after fights. How to recognize that kind of behavior and avoid?
Submitted December 18, 2021 at 11:12PM by throoooooowawaieeee https://ift.tt/3p8EImw
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