I'm (M30) in a long-distance relationship w/ my partner (F26). We were dating for two years in the same city, and have had a strong, positive relationship. She recently moved across the country to start a new job, so we are now doing long distance, for the time being. On average, minus the logistical issues due to the time-difference, things were going well. It's been somewhat emotionally difficult being the one left in the dark on a lot of things (e.g. I'm learning about her new life in real time, while she knows all my friends, hang-out spots, etc. here), but so far, things have gone smoothly. At a minimum, we text every day, and generally try to FaceTime before she heads to bed. We've each traveled to our respective city, and are intending on trying to make the relationship work.
I'm also pretty close friends w/ my ex (F30) who I dated nearly 10 years ago. We had a good relationship, and it ended in a positive way (I fell out of love and wasn't happy -- not due to any toxicity). But we still have a good friendship, vibe really well, and get along. The failed romantic aspect aside, we were great friends***. I don't have any regrets about ending it, to this day know it was the right choice, and do not have any "lingering" feelings, as some might call them. Because we went to school together, said ex is also very good friends with my college friends, and even some of my friends from back home. My best friend and I like to joke that I "bring people together who wouldn't normally be friends" -- for some reason, the separate cliques I'm friends with also end up being friends with each other. ***Probably worth mentioning at this point that my SO has not had any positive relationships like this w/ her exes -- her past relationships have always ended poorly, or were just not healthy to begin with (TW).
My ex and her long-term partner moved to my and my SOs city recently. I was excited, since it meant I would have another good friend close by, but also knew the situation was sensitive for our respective SOs. I figured the best way to build trust would be to be very forthcoming about our friendship, have everyone meet each other on neutral territory (outside, day time), and generally try to minimize hangouts. We did so slowly over about 6 months and 2 hangout sessions. I didn't expect our respective SOs to want to be friends with each other or with me / ex, but the idea was to just clear the air and make sure no one felt threatened, and that no one was hiding anything. This seemed to work well. Ex and I have hung out 1 on 1 a few times since then -- grabbed coffee, got a beer. We always just talk about our respective SOs, family, college friends -- casual stuff, generally afternoon / evening, nothing super late, have always been in text contact w/ SOs during.
Recently, SO and I were hanging out with my college friends. After a night of drinking, one of my college friends (who is very good friends w/ my ex), started blabbering on about how me and ex are soulmates (we aren't) and how we are "such good friends" (we are). Naturally, any SO hearing this would be super upset and feel threatened, and my SO was. That conversation single-handedly ruined that trust she and I had been building up and has sewn seeds of doubt in her mind about what the friendship is actually about, and has made her question my loyalty to her and our relationship. That conversation also made her not want to be friends with said college friend. It was a super fucked up thing to say, and I wished I'd asked my friend to apologize, but I was too busy consoling my SO afterwards. This has caused SO a lot of long-lasting anxiety, such that it seems we're now at a breaking point where I either can't be friends w/ ex at all, or SO and I break up.
I'm not sure what to do here. I obviously want to be with my SO -- I love her dearly. I also don't feel good about ending a friendship that I know with 100% certainty is not a threat to my SO and that does bring me joy (not romantically), but that my SO thinks is a threat to her. I don't like to have to make that choice, even though I know I would choose my SO in a heartbeat. Am I in the wrong here for feeling this way? Not sure how to proceed, or what I should be feeling.
tldr: SO threatened by 100% platonic friendship w/ ex, attempted to build trust in friendship, trust destroyed by something out of my control
Submitted December 20, 2021 at 05:08PM by DingusFamilyVacation https://ift.tt/3spiE9A
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