I’ll try to keep this as concise as possible.
We started dating at the start of the pandemic and so naturally the relationship was already challenged. I then had to move to a different city for personal reasons and we managed to make the long distance work although it was difficult at times and there was uncertainty.
A year later I returned and we moved in together, and things were great but the deeper the relationship got, the more scared I became. I’d never felt this strong before in any relationship and I guess so many personal issues that I never knew I had surfaced including abandonment issues, lack of self-worth due to the past. This then resulted in me going into defensive mode and engaging in behaviours to try and push him away because I never felt good enough and was terrified he would leave me, though he continually stood by me.
My issues got gradually worse from this summer, so I knew it was time I sought help. I went on medication and was waiting for therapy which I got in the Autumn period. I reacted very positively to the therapy and have been able to work through my issues and have regained a sense of self-worth and resilience.
However in the process, the relationship of course has taken a massive hit and despite my improvements, there’s an almost emptiness between us and it’s strange. I’m making a positive effort and wanting to move forward however my bf feels that something has been lost which I completely understand. We then agreed to try and spend more time together and make things work and things started looking up during the Christmas holidays, but I guess it was an illusion as as soon as it was over, the disconnected feeling between us returned.
We had another conversation and outlined how things still felt ‘lost’ but that I was making an effort and he doesn’t know why it still feels lost to him. He’s not the most emotionally open nor does he have the ability to express what he wants, but he said that he has no idea how to fix this. I asked if he wanted to break up and he said it’s not “quite like that”. I told him that I didn’t want to be in a relationship where everything feels uncertain as we both deserve to be happy. Following working through my issues, I don’t feel like I need to be with him, but rather that I want to. But that I would survive on my own. I have always given him space to communicate and tell me how he feels even when things were difficult with my own issues. I said to him if he wanted to end it then to say as I love and respect him so much, it’s just unfortunate it has come to this but if that’s what needs to happen, then so be it.
Since he didn’t know what to suggest, I said if he didn’t want to break up then perhaps space/time away from each other might help as we have been in each other’s pockets a lot. Even then I said if he doesn’t feel the same way and doesn’t think it can be fixed, to just say rather than waste each other’s time and he said he thinks time/space would still be best. Throughout the whole conversation, it was very emotional; a lot of tears and apologies on both sides. But it was the most love and connection I’d say we had ironically for a long time.
We still love each other but I’m unsure if the damage has already been done, and whether we can refresh and reset. The ball is in his court, but I’m prepared to work through this. I’m staying with family at the moment for a week but I guess the unknown and uncertainty it still making me anxious. We agreed to reduce contact to allow for us to have genuine clarity.
I’ve made peace in my head that either it will or won’t and it’s not within my control currently. But the emotions are coming and going in waves. I’ve decided that if he is still “unsure” when I get back that I can’t continue with him because that wouldn’t be an authentic way of going ahead. I’m really hoping we can work through this but equally I know what’s happened, the impact it had on him and I take responsibility for my actions. It wouldn’t be a difficult break up in the sense that we don’t own a house, we rent, we’re not married, we don’t have kids. I guess I’m wondering if he truly wanted to break up with me, despite several opportunities where it would have been amicable that he still says he’s unsure and what that means?
I guess I won’t know until I’m back and we’ve had the time to reflect and find clarity, but I guess I just wanted to know what you think? Any other pov to consider for understanding?
TLDR: I think I might have pushed my bf away when working through issues with self-worth and abandonment, he’s unsure how he feels about me despite my improvements and we are currently having space apart. Not sure if all is lost?
Submitted December 29, 2021 at 06:44AM by OceansTruth https://ift.tt/3JvIYoe
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