I’m sorry this is so long…
I hate that I’m writing this. I’m 21 (F) and my boyfriend is 22. We will be together 3.5 years at the end of next month. Aside from this issue I’m having, he really is the best boyfriend. He’s kind, he loves me more than anyone I know, he always tells me how lucky he is to be mine, he wants to marry me, etc.
And that’s what makes this so hard to write. I think he just drinks too much and I feel at my wits end about it. When he was a teenager, he partied a lot and went overboard with alcohol and drugs. Nowadays, he’s a lot more introverted and prefers to be home more than out. He doesn’t do drugs (except smoke weed which I don’t mind) and doesn’t go out like he used to. However, I don’t think his drinking tendencies went away.
In our first year together, he was invited to a gathering his friend was hosting for his late father. That resulted in my boyfriend getting obliterated, walking around town hammered with another friend (putting themselves in danger), smashed his phone, and then I had to deal with the repercussions of him having a crazy drunk freak out at his house. And when he goes overboard, he just talks a lot and cries and panics. It puts a lot of stress on me because I never know what he’s going to do. And I don’t mean in the sense of being violent because he’s never been violent but I’m afraid he’s going to try and like leave his house or just do something dumb. And I just feel I don’t deserve the stress of taking care of him.
From that incident on, there have been more like this. I always am the one taking care of him and it just really upsets me. He always has deep regret the next morning and he keeps promising he’ll never drink again and that he hates alcohol and at first I believed him, but now it’s old words. And for a really long time, he was doing so well.
For some background, he has severe ocd and adhd. He actually was taking meds for his ocd and seeing a therapist and this was when his drinking completely halted and I was so proud and our relationship was great. Our relationship is great aside from this one freaking issue that is now manifesting into a plethora of issues on my end. He eventually stopped therapy because of the cost and he stopped his meds too because they made him gain crazy weight and he said he felt like a zombie and I understood him and supported him.
And we began making compromises about his drinking such as only drinking two in the safety of his home, if he wants to drink more, he should let me know because I will gladly stay home and do my own thing, to always communicate with me about drinks when we go out and what the plan is. I don’t care if he wants to drink but the fact he’ll just keep going when I ask him to stop or doesn’t communicate he wants to drink a lot just blatantly disrespects me. And I’ve told him this so many times. And he knows what he does is wrong and I know he feels god awful for it. I know he struggles so much with his mental health and I just am so confused and sad.
The closest we ever came to breaking up was a few weeks ago. For the most part, our relationship is great. We take turns planning dates every week, we spend quality time together, we make plans for the future, we hang out with friends, he has begun a health journey and is on his way to losing weight, he’s trying to better himself, he’s been seeing his friends again for the first time in months. But alcohol is just an annoying factor that is getting in the way and I’m getting tired of being his caretaker. At this point, I don’t even care anymore if he doesn’t drink for months on end. The second these situations happen, I am extremely angry and have so much built up paranoia and stress from the past that it eats at me. And when we almost broke up, he went into a crazy panic attack and almost admitted himself to the psyche ward so… it’s clear as day he’s not well and alcohol is some kind of crutch which is beyond unhealthy.
And I know, this whole paragraph can easily be solved with a “well why don’t you break up with him then?” I think the same. And was close to it. And am close to it again. I just love him more than words can express. He’s been there with me through it all, as I have been with him. He’s so kind and respectful on a daily basis and we have such a deep connection and love for each other. It breaks my heart to fucking pieces that he won’t just work with me. And he’s admitted to me that he thinks he has his drinking under control and then it hits him all at once by accident. He is struggling and I don’t know how to help.
Today is Christmas and things went beautiful this morning. We exchanged gifts and had an amazing time. But then he went to his family’s house where they all took shots and he was dropped at my house to come to another family event. He was clearly wasted and at first it was funny, my whole family was laughing. But then it became extremely embarrassing and he was acting completely out of sorts. I had to escort him out of our friends house because he was not acting appropriate and I had to deal with him freaking out in the car and just watching him like a toddler. Also had to deal with him puking on the side of the road. And his ocd leaks into being drunk which makes thing 100 times worse. Right now he’s asleep but god I am angry my christmas night was ruined by his behavior. It bubbled up all these feelings hence why I am writing this. I just feel disgusted and turned off by him.
He wants to move in with me next year and I’ve always dreamed of us having an apartment. But I told him I cannot live with him if this doesn’t get fixed. And I know he’s going to wake up tomorrow absolutely beside himself for his behavior and what he’s done. It’s the same old story. I kinda just want to be like “if you don’t make a doctors appointment to find another therapist this week, we’re done.” I just think he needs professional help. If he really loves me, he’ll do it. Or at least I hope..
I’m so sorry this is long. I just hope someone can give me some insight or just any perspectives from similar situations. I would prefer to try and work this out before jumping to break up but any advice is welcome. I apologize for the length. I’m just so alone and feel pretty shitty as he’s snoring obnoxiously loud beside me. I just want us to be our normal loving selves and stop having alcohol come between us. I know he hates it and I know he’s struggling. I’m just not sure what else to do. He’s my love. But gosh it’s hard.
TL;dr: incidents with alcohol causing a strain between my boyfriend and I. I just am at a loss but I love him so so much
Submitted December 25, 2021 at 07:45PM by Gloomybatgrl https://ift.tt/3swE04D
No comments:
Post a Comment