If I (25F) move out, my dad (56M) will move in his gf/my aunt (54F), 9 months after my mom passed away

Just a very weird situation and I don't know what advice I'm looking for other than how to keep my cool and manage my relationship with my dad.

I moved back home after college to go to grad school and take care of my mom while she went through breast cancer treatment. Sadly, she passed away last October; I'm an only child, and it was really rough on us for a while, especially during Covid, so I was grateful to be able to keep living with my dad rent free, both so we could emotionally support each other and so I could have some time to deal with everything while I looked for a job.

I was lucky and found a WFH job with good pay and benefits in February; he asked me to contribute to utilities and the mortgage, etc. at a fair rate and I started doing that. (Before I started working, I was also cooking and making him a lunch five nights a week, and I've now cut that back.)

I've hinted in the last couple months that if things went well at work I would be looking for an apartment in the city-- 20 minutes away, affordable rent, lots of friends and culture there. I've been in therapy for the last few years to deal with first the stress of being a caretaker (really for both parents, as dad has his own health/mental health issues) and then w/ the grieving process. I've been scared to move out and live on my own, but I've realized I've kind of put my life on hold, and I'd like to go out and experience my 20s.

Anyway, enter GF. This isn't the first person he's dated since Mom passed away; he's also been on dating apps and had a brief fling with a widowed family friend. It's not that I'm upset that he's dating so soon, since I understand he's lonely and grieving-- though I'm kind of uncomfortable generally and would rather just not be around for all this (another motivator for moving out).

GF is also an old family friend; she went to high school with my parents, was my mother's maid of honor, and actually lived with us for a while when I was a kid-- hence why I've always called her "aunt." (No blood relation, though.)

I can sympathize because GF has had a hard time; rocky marriages/divorces, rough family/upbringing, addiction/alcohol and money/legal problems. My mom was always kind of her protector, swooped in to lend her $ or a place to stay. GF's alcohol use really got out of control the last 5-10 years; she ruined a lot of her relationships and caused a scene at family gatherings, became generally impossible to have a conversation with because of how bad her addiction was getting; she generally doesn't drive anymore.

The grudge I cannot let go of is how she completely abandoned my mother for the entirety of her illness. Radio silent for 3+ years, except for when she needed $ or to vent about her problems. We heard from her family members that she was staying away because she just couldn't "deal" with Mom's cancer. Mom had very few close friends and confidantes towards the end, and GF ignored her calls and texts for months at a time. They only saw each other maybe 1 or 2 times in the last few years of her life, and that was when other family friends guilt tripped her into it. GF did not make it to Mom's funeral.

My mom was an endlessly forgiving person and would probably give me that advice, but I watched her get left in the dirt after being there for her best friend for almost 40 years. GF and I had a close relationship when I was a kid, but I do not have it in me to forgive her. I can barely sit in the same room and make polite conversation.

My dad, suddenly and out of nowhere, reconnected with GF a couple months ago. As far as I knew, they had not spoken since talking about the funeral 6+ months ago, and Dad has had just as big a grudge against her as I have-- the two of them have had explosive fights over the years, usually over how GF treated Mom.

But according to Dad, "people change," "she's not drinking" (only 50% true), and "everyone deserves second chances." This is so laughably out of character for him to say that I can't even explain it.

They have been spending every weekend together for the past couple months, either here at our house or on a getaway. He has to drive 40+ minutes, pick her up (because again, she does not drive) and bring her here, because she lives with her sister and mother. I usually try and get out of the house while she's over.

Tonight while she was here I mentioned that I was officially looking at apartments; Dad got all wide-eyed and shocked, said, "really? I didn't think you were actually doing that" and "can't believe you're gonna leave me high and dry."

Then he turned to GF and said "well, I guess I could move you and your crazy family in here once OP is out. Wouldn't that be funny?" They both kind of laughed but it fell flat.

It might just be a joke, but I can 100% see it happening. He is lonely, impulsive, and doesn't like looking after himself; she is lonely, unemployed, and pretty brazen.

This is my worst nightmare, lol. I cannot imagine her living here, in my mother's house.

I am trying to accept that I have no control over what he does. Part of me wants to ask him not to do this, or to get his sister or my grandmother to talk some sense into him-- none of which will go well, and will probably backfire. Part of me wants to delay moving out until they break up, which is crazy. He most likely wants me to stay until he sells the place, which is years away.

Phew. This is way too long. Very therapeutic to write it all out though, lol.

TL;DR My recently widowed Dad is dating my Mom's ex-best-friend and is threatening to move her in if I get my own place. What do?

Submitted July 03, 2021 at 07:08PM by rebevva https://ift.tt/3dCRhjN