I (49M) am worried that my daughter (22F) is abusing her boyfriend (23M). She is taking on the same traits that my wife (50F, RIP) abused me with.

I've been on reddit on and off, but this is the first time ive ever posted something personal. I hope you guys can help me. I want to break the chain of abuse.

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My wife (her mother) died from covid in April of 2020, linked to her being diabetic. I do not want to go into it that much. It was a very quick death, not long or drawn out.

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My daughter still lives at home, and she is dating Michael, who lives about two blocks down and we know his family since they were little kids. My daughter has been dating michael since they were both in high school. And we thought they would have a relationship and it was gonna be great because this was a family we were already friends with. But... as they've gotten closer, especially in the past year, shes just been awful to him. I mean just screaming at him, calling him lazy, yelling at him for small stuff, all kinds of bad stuff.

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And, I know this sounds bad, but it reminds me of my own wife. Who was somewhat the same way. I loved her, but she would always scream and have fits over very small stuff

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My wife... She would always be cleaning the house (she loved cleaning) and throw a fit if something was out of place or stuff like that. She would be yelling and screaming way disproportionate over real small stuff. Screaming over very small things. Just in general, I see her (daughter) taking on the same kind of personality her mother had. And I fear for that. I really, really don't want that. Because as horrible as this sounds (and I know this is an anonymous forum, idc), I wouldn't have married my wife knowing the kind of shit I was getting into. I dealt with years, and years of depression and feeling like I was trapped in my marriage... I am not happy now, and I wish she was still here... but I am not going to deny how she was... I know the type of person that my wife was, and it was a nightmare. I loved her, but it was a horribly stressful nightmare. Cleanliness, social situations, health, hobbies etc and just general demands. Idk how to describe it. I hesitate to use this word, but she emotionally fucking abused me. She did, and as much as I miss her, even just typing this, I am so happy I am free from her.

And I can see my daughter become that, but arguably worse. Like she has no qualms about doing this type of awful shit in front of us. And it sucks, because Mike is a REALLY GOOOD guy. Like he is not some handsome idiot like half of the people around this area (you know the type, frat boy idiot), he is a REALLY good guy, but she still treats him the same way. Just terribly. I am 100% sure that this is from her mother. And she HATED her mother. Thats the weird part. She always criticized her mom for being crazy, and acting nuts, which she did... but then how can she not look at her own behavior and not see the similarities? And now? Any kind of mention of the similarities is sacrilege. Because how am I supposed to talk ill of the dead?

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I've tried to talk to her about how irrational she has acted. She ALWAYS uses her mother as an excuse. Always. She 'just lost her mom' so apparently that is an excuse to act shitty? It was over a year ago. She didn't even like her mom that much. In fact, she fucking hated her. But whenever I bring up anything in regards to how shitty she will treat him, she says that she just lost her mom, and it affects her. And maybe it does. But thats no excuse. I see how she treats mike. Screaming at him and throwing things at him and putting him into that position of terror where you never know what is going to piss her off or not. I know that she has it in her to realize what she is doing is wrong. She has to. Its the casual abuse and criticism which pisses me off the most, because that is the stuff which reminds me most of her mother. But she has to know that she doesnt have to be this way. She knows that she can break the 'spell', in that sense. I just dont know how to get her to acknowledge how much she is just like her mother, and how she can NOT be like her mother.

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What do I do? How do I talk to her? How do I advocate on mikes behalf. I know that my daughter is a great woman under all of this. But she does have her mothers habits. And I want her to learn to abandon those. Sorry I am pretty drunk myself. But still. Please help. I want to break the chain. Please, god, I cant fucking stand looking at this anymore, her relationship. It just makes me cry.

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TL;DR - - My daughter is acting abusive towards her boyfriend, just like my wife was abusive to me. I was to break the 'chain' in that sense, and get her to realize why she shouldn't be abusive.

Submitted July 05, 2021 at 01:47AM by palromytortyni https://ift.tt/3jIWKcQ