Two years ago I was accepted into a few different schools for my PhD. Two were in HCOL areas and two in... well, far more affordable cities. My wife (girlfriend at the time), and I were long distance at the time while I was completing my MA, and the ultimate goal was for us to move in together once I started my PhD. Since this was the case, her opinion weighted quite heavily on my final decision. I was living in the UK while she was in Nebraska (her home state) working, so it was difficult with the distance and time difference, but we came out stronger at the end and decided to get married. One of the schools I got into was in Los Angeles. Despite never visiting before, my wife really liked the idea of living in LA and was leaning very strongly towards that direction. The school is great for my specific program, and I really liked my advisor, so we ended up taking a trip out there to get a feel for the city. My wife fell in love with LA and told me it had always been her dream to live in a big city with beautiful weather, so we ended up going there.
Mentioning these potentially identifiable details are important since LA is a very expensive city, especially the area surrounding my school. The goal was that we’d rent a studio together while living on her income (once she found a job) and on my stipend. Not a lot, but I figured together we’d bring in enough for a frugal lifestyle for the time being. We moved, found a pretty old and small (thankfully, rent-controlled!) studio for $1,450. She had a hard time finding a job, but I was understanding, and we both had enough savings that I was scared. After about four months, it seemed like she gave up entirely on job-searching. In retrospect, I’m not really sure how serious she was on finding a job. There were a few things that never seemed to match up, and there was always something wrong with the listings she found. My monthly “income” is $2,500 (this includes my stipend and a side tutoring gig). Considering our rent, bills, food, etc. at the end of the month I’m left with close to nothing or nothing.
I’ve talked to her about it. She knows how terrible and unstable our financial situation is. We’ve discussed reasons as to why she isn’t contributing financially... I’ve tossed out ideas of depression, anxiety, etc... but each time she’s told me that she enjoys staying at home, she enjoys cleaning, she enjoys taking care of me, making me food, living a domestic lifestyle. She enjoys having the free time to be with me when I‘m free myself. That this is the most comfortable she’s felt in a long time. Each and every time, I’ve begged her to find a job, and that when I’m in a better financial position to support her we can discuss again, but she refuses and says that we can survive like this since we’ve been doing it for two years. Short of leaving her, I’m not sure what to do. She does keep our apartment very clean (all 350 sq.ft. of it...) and she cooks, a lot.
Honestly, I’m also embarrassed to have a housewife while I’m not even employed... most of my peers are completely baffled that my wife is happy to be a housewife on our paltry stipend when most of them are having a hard time supporting themselves. It’s gotten to the point where if the topic of my wife comes up and the other person inquires about her, I switch the topic to avoid the questions. Yes, I know this is my wife, and I shouldn’t be embarrassed and rather I should be defending her, but no one is actually being mean to her. We’re just living a very different life to most of my cohorts, and it’s usually just curiosity. I’m embarrassed... partially because I have no idea how she can be so happy on my far-below-the-poverty-line income and not having any interest on bettering our situation financially. She wasn’t like this before moving to LA. I wouldn’t call her “ambitious” but she had a good job where she performed well, was diligent, and seemed to enjoy work. We had discussed either one of us becoming a SAHP but this was far into the future when we were having kids. Lately, I’ve been considering leaving her. I know my financial situation wouldn’t really improve, but I’m finding that this development makes me not as attracted to her. As terrible as this sounds, I don’t know if her finding a job would actually make me feel more attracted. A part of me feels like my image of her has been permanently changed. I’d also feel guilty because if we did get a divorce, she’d most likely have to move back to Nebraska. She really, really loves LA and the area that we’re in, and I’d feel bad “taking it away” from her.
Tl;dr: is my relationship as dead as it feels to me? Why did my wife suddenly become so adamant on being a housewife?
Submitted February 21, 2020 at 02:00AM by x3947272929 https://ift.tt/2T1pkat
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