We've been having issues for quite a long time. We were engaged, but broke it off in 2018.
He has been unsure of what he wants in life for a few years, probably since before he met me but didn't realize it. He also thinks this. He knows he's self-centered, selfish, quick to anger, irritable and far too judgemental and critical of people. After many months of this, he finally made progress in therapy, and it was really helping. We ended our inhouse separation of one month, our pet died which actually brought us closer, and life picked up a little bit more.
I often wondered why I was staying, why did I love him so much, however had decided for me, I didn't need to question, I was happy, I didn't need my relationship to be my center nor a very large emotional support in my life. Especially when my partner at the time was unable to even emotionally support themselves.
I noticed the texting and being glued to the phone was increasing though he loves playing a game with his family and YouTube. My suspicions began when he mentioned a name I didn't know and I had seen her name pop up on his screen. This was November 2018.
For approximately a year, I knew he had been pulling away, was less affectionate though still wanted sex, and I did too. He would constantly answer "I don't know" to questions about what he wanted in his future with himself, with me, with us. We live abroad and he wants to return home, and I'm ready to as well though for job reasons cannot start that process until two months from now.
This past year my job took up my time and I let it. I was bored at home, there wasn't anymore conversation, I was lonely. At the same time, when we made time for affection we had it.
Ultimately this leads to: yesterday I finally went through his phone, as he was leaving on a trip and I will be too. I found what I knew I would find, though didn't think the depth of emotion would be so deep. I believe she broke it off in early Jan, admits that what they were doing was an affair, though I didn't read any of his email responses. This, would have been ok for me to sit with, however I saw an email from him to her just two days ago informing her of his travel plans and that he felt compelled to tell her. She does not live where he's going.
I almost feel like, if it weren't for that last email, I could have let this go. I am ashamed I looked and angry, sad, sick, heartbroken at what I found. I know I take responsibility for the snooping, that was a breach of trust.
I don't think this relationship needs to be over, maybe it does, I'm wondering if anyone has stories to share about the early days when they discovered their partner's affair, what were some of the steps they took, did anyone end up not telling their partner? Did anyone tell their partner how they discovered what happened, and also take blame for looking?
What also makes this hard: since that last email, I look back and I had noticed he'd been more open, affectionate, friendly and loving since that time. Like we once were. He would call me on my commute in the mornings and actually talk with me about what he was thinking and feeling about a new opportunity that has arisen.
Like part of me is almost grateful this happened. He found a way to access his emotions, and he's turning back towards me. I also realize, there are plenty of people who can access their emotions without hurting someone, myself included.
tl;dr: I looked through his phone after being sure he was communicating with someone, he was, I found the affair yesterday, I don't think I want to tell him, processing my first thoughts.
Submitted February 21, 2020 at 08:59AM by LazyOlive https://ift.tt/32dTBXI
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