I've been dating Hani for just over a year, but I've known him since I was 16. We have a lot of mutual friends and are vaguely in the same friend group, but we never became close until a few years ago (though I've had a crush on him ever since I can remember).
The area that I grew up in (and where I met Hani) is very poor and uneducated. Our local high school has a <50% graduation rate, and no one goes to college or ever really moves away from our city. Everyone who grew up here basically keeps the same friends for their whole lives, so social groups are really tight and most people have "party" lifestyles well into adulthood. I honestly love living here and I love all my friends so much; the community is seriously unbeatable and though growing up was hard, I couldn't have asked for better people to do it with.
I barely graduated high school and, like everyone here, was way more concerned with drugs and alcohol than my academics. However, by some miracle, I got accepted to our state university (about 25 mins away from our hometown). I stayed living in my current city and I commute to class every day. I love school and feel so incredibly lucky to have this opportunity, but its not something I really discuss with my friends; they are supportive but its not something that's important to them, and that's ok. Anyway, I am graduating this year and have been applying to grad schools. I recently found out that by some massive stroke of luck, I got accepted to a PhD program at Harvard. I'm obviously thrilled and am definitely going to go.
I told Hani and he was really supportive and super excited for me, even though this means moving away. We even discussed the possibility of him coming with me, and he seemed extremely excited at the prospect and even said that he never thought he'd have a way out of our city and this could be it for him. Later that same night, we went to party that most of our close friends were at. I told everyone the news and they were, again, all super supportive. I got a few teasing comments about me being a sellout or a nerd, but I knew it was all in good fun and it didn't bother me.
Later that night, when most people had fallen asleep or gone home, I got up to go to the bathroom. I heard Hani's voice from the other room and heard him say my name. I stopped to listen and realized he was talking to another one of our friends, Jeff. Hani was saying how he's incredibly proud of me, which was so sweet and made me so happy. Then Jeff asked if Hani would be moving with me and he said he really wants to but there's one thing holding him back.... how boring my lifestyle is. Jeff asked what he meant and Hani said that I've changed a lot from the fun, reckless girl I used to be and now all I do is study and the only thing I can hold a conversation about is my research. He said he didn't want to move away from all his friends and end up stuck in "nerdville" for the rest of his life, and that I was great for Sunday morning but I wasn't a Saturday night girl anymore (???). He also said that because we live here, it didn't bother him so much because he had other fun friends, but he didn't want to move somewhere where he only had me to do stuff with.
First of all, I don't think what he said is true at all. Yes, I do spend the majority of my time studying and doing research; it's literally my job. However, I still go out with friends every weekend and like I said, we rarely ever talk about school so I don't think its true that I can't hold a conversation about anything else. Maybe once a week I'll talk to Hani about whatever I'm working on; other than that I mostly keep it to myself. Second, I'm very hurt that he would talk to someone else about this without ever bringing it up to me. It hurt a lot to hear him talk about me like that.
I talked to him the next day and told him that I ABSOLUTELY UNDERSTAND if he doesn't want to move with me. It's a scary prospect and I totally and completely get it if he doesn't want to pack up his entire life and leave all his friends. I then said that I was really hurt by what he said to Jeff and I wish he would've talked to me about it first instead of telling someone else behind my back. I also asked him to clarify what the real issue is: is it that I bore him, or is it that he doesn't want to move with me. If he just doesn't want to move with me, that's fine and we can try to figure it out. If he really thinks I'm boring, however, I don't see how we can possibly have a future together.
He said that he's just scared about moving and he didn't mean any of the stuff he said. He also said he sometimes feel insecure about my success and feels like he's not good enough for me. I told him it was ok and he doesn't have to move with me - and we don't even have to decide right now. I don't leave until late August. He said ok and everything was good.
However, I can't stop being bothered by what he said. I know he said it was just because he's scared of the future and he didnt mean it, but I can't help but thinking there has to be some truth to it, or why would he have said it? It's been a real struggle for me to balance going to school with my social life, and I've often felt like I live a double life, but I always thought I was doing well. Now, I just feel really hurt and sad and kind of grossed out that my own boyfriend might think of me that way. Am I overreacting to a harmless comment, or does it seem like this is something I need to talk about with him further? I just can't shake this gross feeling.
TLDR: heard bf telling our friend that he doesn't want to move with me because I'm too boring for him, bf apologizes and says he didn't mean it and is just scared of moving, I can't stop being bothered by what he said, what do?
Submitted April 03, 2019 at 11:10AM by big_platypus_ https://ift.tt/2TZiNvy
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