We homeschool and work from home, so my life is being at the house 24-7 along with my infant. We work outside and in, and I find any excuse to leave with our baby and go grocery shopping, running errands, etc. Being at the house is a drain. The kids grew up here, my husband is renovating it to sell within the next five years, and everyone is in love with it. Except for me. There’s no welcoming smells (my husband is sensitive to every scent known to man), there’s no decorative decor, no photos, and nothing cushioned or comfortable or even clean (we want to save money and the house is too big to clean all the time. Plus we have a dog who owns the other couch and shoves bones and dirt into it and it’s ripped). It’s just horrible. I mean, not inhumane, it’s just a standard house that has zero meaning to me. In fact, it has a negative meaning. So many arguments and fights and disputes that I resent have happened here. When I grew up, everything was warm, welcoming, always spotless. Yeah, there were fights with my mom, but I never felt the residual resentment every day for being there.
Whenever we go on vacation, things change. I feel better around my family and feel more love and less pressure. But still feel off. Then, I went off on my own to my grandma’s house for a little birthday party in the middle of nowhere, and I’ve never been happier. It was my baby and I, my mom, grandma, and other close family members. I FaceTimed my husband and adopted kids and was so happy. I was silly and fun and loving. Now that I came back, I feel sick and back into the never ending depressive state. Even in the first moment of seeing them.
I feel lost.
TL;DR: Depressed when I’m around husband and adopted kids, happy when it’s just my bio baby and I
Submitted April 29, 2019 at 07:40PM by spaBankin http://bit.ly/2J1m3o8
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