My friend (20f) recently told me (19m) that she overheard two of our mutual friends (both 22f) saying that they didn't like her and didn't want her around while sleeping over at their house. I had a conversation with these two friends and they claimed they haven't said anything.

M is a 20 year old woman, and A and L are both 22 year old women and twin sisters. I have known M since meeting her at the start of college in August last year and we've developed a really good friendship and spent a lot of time together. M introduced me to A and L in around January, having known them from work. Since meeting them, M and I have hung out with A and L pretty frequently at their house. A and L have always been incredibly nice and accommodating, and I quickly became friends with them and have hung out with them on my own on a number of occasions. A lot of nights M and I would stay up late with A and L and end up crashing at their place.

A couple weeks back we were all hanging out and it was pretty typical. It was a snow day, and I finished up some homework at my dorm before heading to A and L's house to hang out, where M already was. Apparently A and L told M they didn't want to drive due to the icy road conditions, and so M had walked 40+ minutes to A and L's house in 10 degree weather. When I arrived, everything seemed normal. We binge watched Adventure Time until everyone eventually started getting sleepy, and M and I asked if it was alright if we spent the night. A and L said of course, and not long after everyone headed to bed.

I slept soundly, but woke up around noon the next day to find that M had already woken up and left. This was unusual, as M would normally hang out with A and L throughout the morning and often the afternoon when she spent the night with them. Later that day, M texted me and told me that she had overheard A and L talking trash about her at around 4 in the morning. She said that she could clearly hear A and L saying stuff like "Why do you think we didn't pick you up today M, get it through your head, we don't like you!!" and a variety of other equally hurtful statements.

I was incredibly surprised and upset by this. A and L haven't ever struck me as being the type to talk about others behind their backs, and I couldn't imagine them being so hurtful. I felt like there had to be a misunderstanding, and asked M if she was going to confront A and L about what she heard. M said she wasn't sure. In the two weeks following this incident, A and L very frequently reached out to M asking to hang out, which M turned down every time. I wanted to speak to A and L about the topic, but felt like I couldn't, as M had not confronted either of them about what she heard. A and L were also regularly reaching out to me to hang out, and I also would just say I was busy, hoping that eventually M would bring this up with them and the situation would be cleared up. This kinda sucked. It felt like I owed A and L some explanation as to why I wasn't engaging with them, but M had asked me to not confront them about it. Additionally, I didn't feel like I could hang out with A and L without really hurting M's feelings.

Yesterday I had a conversation with M about how I felt like I was in an awkward position in this situation. M revealed to me that she had actually talked to A and L about hearing them talk shit about her, and that they had both denied it. M then said she was planning on informing A and L that she no longer wanted to be friends with them. Tonight M did just that, and texted A and L requesting that they make no attempt to contact her.

After M told me she did this, I texted A, who I know best between her and L, and told her that we needed talk. I told her I was just really confused by the situation with M and didn't understand what was going on. A said that she and her sister definitely were not talking trash about M and had told M as much when asked. A said she had no idea what M was talking about and did not and would not say those kinds of things about her. She also said that M only confronted them about it after first more or less ignoring them for a week.

This is about where I'm at now. I'm still super confused. M is my friend, and I've talked and supported her through this for two weeks. I know she isn't lying, there's absolutely no way as far as I can tell. M either heard or fully believes she heard A and L saying those things about her.

That said, I'm pretty sure I also believe A and L. I've spent a lot of time with A in particular, and she's the one M said was saying the bulk of the hurtful comments. These things just don't sound like anything A would ever say. I've been alone with A a lot, and she's never demonstrated a tendency to talk behind peoples back. In fact, if M came up in conversation at all A would talk about how much she enjoyed M. Of course, she could have a totally different dynamic with her sister.

It should be noted that M has pretty significant anxiety. As someone who also struggles pretty hard with anxiety, the sentiment of "get it through your head, we don't like you" is exactly something my anxiety tells me people around me are thinking all the time. It doesn't seem too far fetched that M's anxiety plays a role in this, but I hesitate to blame it on that specifically because it seems incredibly invalidating to M and her feelings.

I'm also worried because I would like to remain friends with both M and A and L, but I know if this doesn't get resolved I will be unable to hangout with A and L without causing M a ton of anxiety. Of course, if A and L actually said what M says they did, I want nothing to do with them. I don't have time for people like that. I just feel stuck and I don't know what to believe or what to do.

TL;DR: A couple weeks ago my friend "M" told me she overheard two of our mutual friends, "A" and "L", sisters, talking trash about her and saying they didn't like her in the middle of night when M was sleeping at their house. In the time since M told me this, A and L have both tried to continue hanging out her, but M has always refused. M also said she confronted them about it twice and both times A and L lied to her face about it. Tonight M told A and L that she no longer wants to be their friend. I confronted A and L and they both said they never said anything at all. I honestly believe both parties (but don't know if I should) and don't know what to do.

EDIT: I ended up speaking to A and L in person earlier, and I’m totally convinced they did not say anything, and even if they did, it was nothing remotely close to what M heard. A also mentioned a past situation involving M and a pair of friends that might be informing some of M’s anxiety surrounding A and L. I felt oblivious because the moment they mentioned this pair of friends, I immediately remembered when M told me all about them around when we first met.

M was best friends with these two girls and was planning to become their room mate, but just a few weeks before she was due to move in they told her they didn’t want her living with them and cut contact. I didn’t mention this in my above post, but M was planning on moving in with A and L later this year as their roommate.

The similarities between the conditions surrounding this really harmful event and M’s dynamic with A and L are obvious, and the very real trauma M experienced as a result of this incident seems incredibly likely to be what’s informing M’s current mindset. Two girls who were also siblings faked being nice to M while she was planning to move in with them and then screwed her over. Given the obvious but coincidental similarity of M’s relationship with A and L, it almost seems inevitable that M would expect the same outcame and on some level even work to ensure it happens.

Now I’m just wondering how and if I should talk with M about this. There’s no getting around the fact that she’s going to feel invalidated on some level no matter what if I discuss this with her. M heard what she heard, and no matter who you are, it is infuriating to be told you’re imagining something you know you experienced. And of course this isn’t what’s happening, M is experiencing the very real effects and psychological conditioning of a very real trauma. As such I’m not sure how I could talk with M about this without her first and immediately getting the message “what you experienced isn’t real.” I’m not sure what the best move is.

Submitted April 30, 2019 at 03:29AM by RandomReset http://bit.ly/2VCIqXG