My husband (M29) and I (F31) can't understand each other on this one seemingly minor issue. 5 years together. Please help!

This issue seems so minor but somehow we cannot resolve it and I'm so frustrated that we can't do that.

A few facts:

• In 2015 we were living in a city with a low cost of living and our apartment was paid for as part of my deal.

• Unfortunately in this city my husband (then bf) could not get a work permit. He moved there to be with me, and gave up his job to do so. He did intensive language classes for 7 months (so useful to both of us as neither of us spoke the local language to begin with), as well as some online courses and volunteer work. However ultimately we both depended on my salary. This was a mutual decision which I strongly supported. The alternative was him working illegally for exploitative employers, I didn't want that.

• In 2017 we moved to a very high COLA city and I no longer had a free apartment. In order to make this work financially I shifted to a corporate employer and now earn significantly more. However, the COLA and rent more than make up for this. We are comfortable, but don't feel affluent. Part of the motivation for this move was that my husband wanted to do a master's degree in a new field, which he did and did very well in. He's now applying for jobs in the new field, having finished the master's.

• In my view, I've always been a relatively low maintenance person. I don't wear makeup every single day, and find my new corporate work environment a little restrictive in terms of having to show up more dressed up every day. In the previous city, I mostly worked from home and even when I went in to the office, 'smart casual' was fine.

• I have gained weight since moving to the new city. It's not insane, but it is noticeable. I'm sensitive about this, and have plans to work on it. So far without success.

The issue: my husband said that in terms of the way I dress I have "stopped making an effort". He feels that in Previous City I "made more of an effort" and now the way I dress is mostly "low effort".

I was pretty hurt by this, because a) it seems harsh to say someone has stopped making an effort, it sounds like he thinks I'm a lazy slob b) it's hard not to see this as in some way tied to my weight gain, though he swears that that isn't what this is about.

I've tried to think through this and I don't feel that the way I dress has changed much. I've always worn jeans and t-shirts/sweaters when it's cold, skirts and dresses more when it's hot. A few things that could be affecting this:

• Previous City was warmer than Current City. Maybe I am wearing full-length clothing more now because the warm season is shorter.

• I do feel a bit tired of dressing up due to my corporate job. I don't feel like I make less of an effort now, but if I do maybe it's because with commuting etc I have much less time at home and would like to just be comfortable. But I kinda feel this was always true, so still hard to see the change.

• I used to wear boots more, now I wear sneakers more. My boots had heels but in Current City I walk WAY more and I just can't do the hours of walking in heels. I know this is part of the problem because recently I've gotten into wearing cute pastel sneakers. Unfortunately these show any scuffs or marks much more than my black boots used to, my husband thinks my shoes look dirty and disgusting. It's worth noting they aren't ACTUALLY dirtier than his, they just show marks more. My shoes are generally newer than his, and usually in better repair. But he really hates me wearing scuffed-looking shoes. I have recently bought new shoes in response to this.

• We now have a dog together, and often walk her together at the weekend. The park can be muddy, so I generally wear leggings or track pants (especially in the cold months) and Timberlands or older shoes I don't mind ruining

• I have less money now to spend on clothes than I did before

Overall, I'm still not convinced the way I'm dressing has changed. However, in principle I'm open to making some changes. My major issue is about how my husband EXPRESSES his criticism. I would like him to reframe it without using the language of "effort". I feel that saying I'm no longer "making an effort" is unnecessarily negative, makes me feel attacked and defensive, and is also too vague to be constructive. I feel I'm just guessing at which changes in my clothing he wants to see, so it's both difficult to act on his feedback and frankly difficult to motivate myself to act on it (as I feel attacked).

He refuses to reframe his criticism. I suggested he could try to turn into more positive feedback, such as "you look great when you wear more form-fitting clothes!" (I know this is something he believes, he often finds looser clothing unflattering) or "hey your sneakers aren't looking that fresh anymore, let's go and buy you some new cute shoes". I feel that this positive framing would make me feel happier and therefore more likely to make these changes. He says "that's not how I feel, I feel you aren't making an effort and I don't want to make the effort for you".

His view as far as I can understand it: he feels that at the weekends he makes an effort to dress more nicely for me. This honestly isn't something he told me before and I frankly hadn't noticed, but I'm sure it's true. He says he makes an effort to wear jeans rather than jogging pants when I am around.

Something in the way he expresses himself makes me think that he views my clothing choices as somehow reflecting on the way I value him and our relationship. He hasn't said this explicitly so I may be wrong. But I get the feeling that he feels that my "not making an effort" is a sign of disrespect to him and our relationship.

This is something I can understand tbh: if I stopped showering, or I started wearing really holey and destroyed clothes, I do feel like that might send a signal that I no longer cared about what he thought. But honestly while my clothes are casual at times, I still dress up for dinners out etc, and I'm always clean and pretty presentable (except maybe in the park when it's muddy). He insists again that my weight gain is not the issue here.

I also find the conversation difficult because being told what to wear is a deal-breaker for me. I'm my own person and I dress for myself and to express myself. I am completely willing to make some changes, and I don't expect him to like everything I wear and I'm fine to be told "hey those aren't my favourite pants on you" or whatever. But there needs to be a balance. I'm not going to wear heeled boots when I need to walk for hours, or give up wearing loose clothing altogether. This is why I'd prefer he'd be more specific in his feedback.

Please help. I see that he feels he's "making an effort" and I'm not reciprocating, and that makes him feel disrespected and less valued. At the same time, I don't actually feel I've changed, and when I press for more specific feedback I'm not really getting it. He also refuses to reframe his criticism from a discussion of my "low effort" which makes me feel attacked and I feel is not constructive. HELP!

TL;DR: My husband thinks that I have "stopped making an effort" in the way I dress. I think this is overly negative and at the same time vague, I'm struggling to understand what he really wants me to do and he's not telling me. Also, I'm hurt.What should I do next?

Submitted April 28, 2019 at 11:55PM by stripyculottes http://bit.ly/2voTxVu