My (38) soon-to-be ex-husband (36) has been living with his (very conservative, religious) parents (60s) since he moved out last year. His younger brother (29) has always lived with them as he has trouble holding down a job. Our children (13M) (12M)(9F)(7M) spend every other weekend and two weeknights a week at their house. The last time my kids came home from spending time with them my 12yo was visibly upset, and asked to talk to me privately. He was sobbing and told me he overheard his uncle talking about how fat he is. Things like "kid dies, they won't find a body bag big enough to fit around him" and more, as well as stuff about him being slow, and being too sensitive. After talking privately to each of my children about how their weekend was, my 13yo told me the same story - though he confessed he was (uncomfortably) the person the uncle was talking to, and told me the grandmother was also in the room. They all also made other more passive gestures and comments shaming my 12yo's weight, adhd, asthma, and sensitive personality. They all have a history of doing so.
Additionally, the uncle and grandfather are homophobes. My 13yo is not straight, though none of the adults in that house - including my ex - know that, as he (rightfully) doesn't feel safe coming out to them. They constantly make derogatory comments about "queers", "faggots" etc. Recently the grandfather commented on some acne near my 13yos mouth. "what's that thing in your face? You been kissing boys?" My son, uncomfortable, informed him it was a zit. The grandfather replied "good". My son was so uncomfortable he went and put a bandaid on his lip and hid in the bathroom for a while.
Often the homophobia comes out while they're trying to steer my 7yo to a more traditionally masculine stereotype. He's happier wearing leggings (they're more comfortable), is trying to grow his hair out (he wants a "man-bun"), and often let's his sister paint his nails. They have coerced him to get his hair cut multiple times, ("long hair is for girls") even though he always bursts into tears about it when he gets home. They also unpolished his nails ("boys don't paint their nails") and mysteriously never have the clothes he prefers available to him. My 13yo is struggling because they treat him like he's one of them, they think he has similar views, and they try to engage him in joining the bullying. He feels scared to stand up for himself and his brothers, but guilty for not doing so.
Through all of this my daughter (9) is doted on, and praised for how pretty and how small she is. She's an amazing little girl, and often stands up to her uncle and grandparents ("there's no such thing as girl things and boy things," etc) and I've been told by my 13yo that their grandfather refers to her as being "brainwashed by liberals".
My ex is aware that these things happen, though its less intense when he's around. He's unaware that our oldest son is attracted to boys. Since he grew up in that household he struggles to hear the homophobia, is pretty entrenched in gender stereotypes, and doesn't understand the particular weight these issues have on our sons. He also doesn't know how to handle his family in a way that doesn't make the bullying worse.
What can I do? My ex will be living with his family for the foreseeable future, and I can't (and won't) restrict our children from spending time with their father. But my sons are struggling, and I'm not there to defend them anymore.
Tldr: my ex-husband lives with his toxic family, and they bully my children.
Submitted April 28, 2019 at 07:59AM by Nhappychickadee http://bit.ly/2GIYuNY
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