I have a friend I've known for years, however we only got closer recently. I've noticed that she is very frugal which isn't a bad thing, however I'm starting to feel taken advantage of and I'm not sure how to deal with it.
I think I'm a quite generous person, I'll offer what I have in food wise or drink wise. I always offer some of what I'm having if I'm with a friend and if they've gone out of their way I try to compensate my end as I think most people do? More obvious things I've noticed before now:
-She wanted to go somewhere and was going to go by train, she asked if I would go and I drive so I said I could drive us - this was several hours away. She did not offer me any petrol there or back, I was feeling a bit taken advantage of and asked her to get some snacks for us when I stopped. She went in and got dinner for herself, did not get any snacks to share or offer anything of hers. I didn't know what to say so I let it go. This was the first bigger one I noticed.
- We went out for a dinner, I got out money to pay for my half but it ended up being $10 more than she had. She said "oh that will do" and ended up underpaying, and didn't leave a tip. I didn't really think much about it until after and realised by how much I'd overpaid.
-Christmas. I got her a thoughtful gift, we agreed on a budget. She still hasn't given me my Christmas gift.
Anyway:
Just from a recent meet where we spent a good bit of time together, I took notice of her manners and how she is with money.
She came over, asked what I wanted - this is unusual - I asked for some wine from the store (We usually drink mine). She didn't bring any, said she didn't know what one I wanted. I wanted some wine so I got some out and she ended up having some.
We bought some tickets, I put the money on the counter with hers- she pocketed the change - including mine. This was only about 80 cents. I later reminded her about this when she asked me to pay $5 back for part of lunch. She rolled her eyes and said "Come onn". I got petty and gave her $4.50. I hate feeling so petty.
Another day she suggested we buy a wine each to share. She immediately picked the cheapest wine there and paid for that, I got a more expensive one. Again, not something I'd usually take notice of but it seems to be a pattern. She drank most of hers, I had a glass - then she drank half of mine.
I bought some snacks, offered her some. She had some, she later took some of her own snacks out and started eating them. She did not offer me any. I ended up asking her if I could have some, I thought I'd try and speak up and she said sure then tipped 3 nuts in my hand xD
She said we are getting each other birthday gifts this year - I reminded her of that I still don't have my Christmas gift and she laughed and said Oh yeah!. We went shopping and I saw her near the fridge magnet section of the store. I got a bit suspicious that she was going to get me a fridge magnet for my birthday - I went over and said oh yeah I don't bother with fridge magnets, not my kind of thing and she said oh okay, I was going to get you this one. Literally the cheapest thing in the store lol.
It's important to say she is frugal in general. She will order water instead of drinks to save, she will walk instead of taking a bus even for longer journeys, she will buy herself cheap stuff etc.
The issue now - how do I handle this? We have a birthday dinner next week with her and her boyfriend - going to a restaurant. She said we are getting birthday gifts for each other this year (our birthdays are fairly close together but hers is first). Any ideas on ways I can make sure the above scenarios don't happen again? I've already decided to have enough change to pay for our half of the meal, still not sure what to do on a birthday gift.
I need general advice on how to manage this without getting a pooh pooh response and feeling petty and mean i.e. if I don't offer her some of what I have or whatever. I do enjoy her company otherwise - I just find it difficult to confront her over such small things, I feel petty and when I did say something she clearly thought I was being petty. Right now all the small things probably add up to a lot - I have only listed some.
I've never had to worry about this before so it's completely new territory for me. My other friends are generous and we'll give and take pretty equally.
Cross posted from Friendship advice as it doesn't seem very active
TL;DR: Extremely frugal friend takes advantage of me in monetary situations and I need advice on how to deal with it and maintain a friendship.
Submitted April 28, 2019 at 01:27PM by CautiousDragonfly3 http://bit.ly/2GRnFzm
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