Me (26F) and my boyfriend (32M) of 3 years disagree on "boy's trips". I'm starting to think I might be too controlling.

Throwaway account, because my boyfriend knows my main.

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My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years, and are in the process of buying a house together. I love him very much, and while we have our ups and downs, overall, I'm the happiest I've ever been with him.

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All of his friends have just gotten out of long term relationships, but are generally pretty good guys. They party incredibly hard, and are regularly the last ones in the club. My boyfriend can't drink or do drugs due to a health issue, but will still shut down the clubs with his friends.

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I, on the other hand, do not enjoy going out to bars and clubs. I don't drink or do drugs and don't love huge crowds of drunk people. I'm all for having a good time, and will make an appearance, but after a few hours, I've had my fill and am ready to head home.

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Last year, my boyfriend and I got into a major fight because a boy's trip he went on was billed to me as something entirely different than it turned out to be; I was told they were going to the "chill" part of Ibiza, and would just be relaxing on the beach and spending time together... totally cool with that. What it turned into was clubbing til 5 am, pool parties and coke (which my boyfriend swears he didn't partake in, and I believe). Most frustratingly to me, is they met up with a group of girls for several days in a row, and his friends all hooked up with the girls, apart from him (which I also believe). He told me the hook ups all happened at clubs, and specifically happened in a club bathroom. I thought it was gross, and I was less than impressed with the trip. To me, it's really immature, and not something that someone in a committed, mature relationship should have any desire to do. It's not that I don't trust him not to cheat, it's just that I don't want my partner engaging in what I consider sleezy/immature behavior. He agreed that at times, he felt like the 7th wheel or babysitter, but that he still enjoyed doing things with his friends and was really hurt that I was labelling the trip as a drug/sex trip and not a time for him to spend with his friends.

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Recently though, he let slip that the girls they had been hanging out with had actually come back to their apartment, and that the hook ups happened there. I told him immediately that I was upset because being dishonest about what went on doesn't build trust, and I said that behavior like that feels disrespectful to our relationship. He said "what, am I supposed to not go out to clubs if they want to go? Am I supposed to tell them they can't have girls over to our apartment?" and I said "well, by making it a boy's trip, they've essentially said you can't have me over... I don't see how that's any different." He didn't want to talk about it anymore.

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Since that trip to Ibiza, he's been on boy's trips skiing, to a stag and away for a guy's only long weekend celebrating a 30th birthday. None of these trips have caused any issues.

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The major issue is that he has another boy's trip coming up, this time to Vegas with the same guys (all still single, apart from one that regularly cheats on his long term girlfriend). He said to me that he wants to discuss the trip and isn't going to go if it's going to cause fights between us, and I said I want him to do what he wants; I don't ever want to stop him from hanging out with his friends or going somewhere he wants to go, and that it will undoubtedly make me uncomfortable, but that's my own thing to deal with. He asked if I understood why he felt upset that I immediately labeled the trip a drug/sex holiday, and I said that I didn't really; single guys go to Vegas to do drugs, party and meet girls. He brought up the same argument that undoubtedly they would meet girls and some of them would hook up but that's not why he's going and it's hurtful I can't see that. He also said it feels like I don't trust him. I feel badly that I've hurt him and that it feels like I don't trust him. I told him that I do trust him, but it's hurtful to me that he'd rather spend a week abroad partying with his friends and chilling with other girls than with me.

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Am I being too harsh here? Is it unrealistic to expect a man in a serious relationship to not engage in behavior like that ? I don't want to be controlling, but I'm starting to feel like maybe I'm being too demanding.

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TL;DR: My boyfriend wants to go on a boy's trip to Vegas with his single friends after an unsavory boy's trip to Spain with the same group. I'm not sure if I'm being controlling by getting upset that he still participates in stuff like this, or if it's fair to expect that my boyfriend grows up a bit?

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EDIT: I know for what is a 99% fact he isn't doing drugs or drinking. He's been diagnosed with a rare disease that makes it essentially impossible to do either without seriously risking his life due to the medication he's on and the nature of his disease. I know he has the disease because I'm the one who picks him up from the hospital after he's been sedated, and I sit with him while the doctor reads the results of biopsies to him. I sincerely appreciate the advice, but I wasn't lying when I said I trust him. I just don't know if this is a root compatibility issue or if it's something less serious.

Submitted April 29, 2019 at 03:21PM by throwaway23o4i138 http://bit.ly/2WkNk97