My brother (20M) keeps throwing my mom's (53F) and my (22F) belongings away. I'm worried this, in addition to other issues, may ruin their relationship.

This has happened multiple times already. I finally decided after another round of my brother doing it today to ask for advice. I feel like there are many details I'm not sure are important or not so I'm sorry for the length because I don't want to exclude important details (TL;DR at end).

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My brother already had a habit of just throwing anything away that he didn't care for, including utensils he didn't feel like bringing to the kitchen and other things like that. His mindset is that we can just replace it when we need it. Both of my parents were very unhappy about this, since our family is not well off, but they rarely confronted him about anything because he has a bad attitude that none of us wanted to deal with... but it's gotten so much worse now.

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I hate being treated like we're taking up his space in a house he pays nothing for and always feeling like we have to hide our belongings in our house. I think it's unreasonable that we should have to prove why we are allowed to keep things we like and use in our own house. Once he emptied out the fridge and declared no one else can put anything in it except for him. Obviously no one followed his rule.

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I feel it is important enough to state that first worst times he's done this was soon after my dad passed away last year. Long story short, all of us of left the country suddenly for his medical care and he ended up passing just very soon after his diagnosis before he could even begin treatment. After we had returned home, the house went from messy to an absolute disaster. All of us contributed to the mess. It was bad. (I'm sure he'd insist he wasn't involved in making any mess, but I assure you, the two separate times he's been home alone for a month, the house was disgusting when we returned.)

One day, as mom is heading out, brother and I agreed to clean the house together because we were fed up with the way things were. He even called a friend to help because he wanted to throw away the old couches (this was approved of by mom) and we needed help carrying them. At the beginning he would occasionally call or message her to see if she wanted certain things to be thrown but then started to him throwing things she asked to keep anyway and to him not asking her at all. He ended up throwing a ton of things away, including things that were important to mom, whether it be expensive things, sentimental things, irreplaceable things etc. I tried talking him out of the ones I knew would definitely upset mom the most but he would either yell at me or completely ignore me. A few things he even showed me and said, "Mom's going to be mad but I don't care." I tried to save what I could, but I couldn't get much without him noticing. One thing that really bothered me was when he told his friend, "Just throw everything away, all my stuff is in my room now so I don't care." He made a few more very off-putting comments about mom as well during that day. If he didn't think something was reasonable for her to own, he would throw it away. I suppose I was lucky I was able to finally convince him not to throw away mom's display case of some things she likes to collect. I might understand his want to throw it away if it was large and in the way but it's just a small (though tall) case in a back corner no one even goes to. Either way, I don't think it should be necessary to go through so much trouble to convince him that mom can have things she likes in the house even if he doesn't like it. When he finally agreed he said, "Fine, I'll let her keep it," as if she has to have his approval. Even to this day, he still brings up how he wants to throw it away but he's allowing her to keep it.

Mom and I ended up losing many important things to us, such as a sketchbook my grandmother gave me over a decade ago before she passed away, a very expensive guitar a friend had given to my mom, and some prunes my mom had been fermenting for years during that cleaning, among other things. He also very nearly threw away a very important packet my grandmother had left for my parents including photos, letters, and a journal she wrote for my dad while she was sick that I picked out of the trash if that gives any idea how little care he put into what he decided to throw away.

Mom was obviously upset when she came home and immediately noticed specific items gone and they had an argument where both were yelling. She asked him why he had to throw certain belongings of hers away and he would yell back that, "You never use it and you don't put it away." She insists she does use these things and to put it aside for her to put it away when she gets home. I'll admit, some of those things she didn't use, but I also don't think she should be required to prove to him that she uses it enough for him to not throw it away without permission, especially since he is barely even home enough to see anything that happens here. She backs down because she always does when he yells at her. She ends up giving up and thanking him for cleaning and leaves the house.

Later when we are alone I tell her about some of the things that happened, such as what he said about her display case, I leave out other details like what he said about her personally, because I figure all it would do is hurt her feelings. Sometimes I feel I shouldn't have even said anything about the display case, but I said it at the time because I didn't want her to think I didn't bother do anything about it. She later tells me that it's fine, the stuff is all gone and there's nothing she can do, but continued to ask me why he would do that and keeps bringing up belongings that have been thrown, clearly upset still. It was to the point where she was nearly in tears, I don't know out of anger or sadness. She repeatedly says, "I can't stand him anymore," "I don't know what to do about him," "We just lost Dad and now he has to do this to us?" and even as far as saying "when I'm old is he going to throw me out too?" and "When I'm dead I'm leaving everything to you." (I think she said this kind of thing because, another long story short, a few months before this happened she had been fighting with her sister because her sister had taken all of my grandma's money and was mistreating my grandma and also because we were dealing with paperwork for my dad's passing still).

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Now to the present, there are still belongings that she brings up now and then, and clearly it still bothers her, especially when she needs it at the moment but it's gone. Recently he's done it again. Everyone agrees the fridge needs a cleaning so he and I decide to do it. She asked him to not throw away her glass food storage containers and the few grocery items we had just bought. As soon as she leaves, the first thing he goes to throw away is the glass container she specifically requested not to throw. His reasoning to me was that he doesn't want to wash it (dish washing is rare for him). I volunteer to wash as long as he brings them to me so I don't pay attention to what he's throwing away. Sure enough, he throws away almost all the brand new groceries too. Mom is frustrated but, I talk her down because we barely bought any new groceries so there wasn't too much thrown out anyway and we saved the food storage containers, but again she still brings it up when she when she goes for something and it's been thrown away already. I understand why since we don't have money to waste but there's nothing that can be done aside from digging in trash. She says nothing to him though. I tell her next time to just stay nearby when he's cleaning if she wants to make sure he doesn't throw certain things away.

A few days go by and he decides to clean the kitchen too. As we're about to head out to get lunch mom asks if he would like to join, he declines and asks to borrow $100. She gives him $50 because it's all she had on her and says it's a thanks for cleaning the kitchen (I feel like I should include this to show that she has been showing appreciation for his work). As we're out though, he ends up throwing away a bunch of things including utensils, dishes, pans, pots, and pot lids that were all in good condition. He even tore down the fully functioning strip lights I installed under the cabinets and threw those away too (which were the only lights that work in the kitchen currently because we're having problems with the electricity in that area of the house so I seriously can't figure why he would do that).

By the time mom and I come home, he's gone back to his room and when she sees the kitchen and sees a ton of her pots, pans, and other cooking utensils missing she starts screaming things like, "I'm not dead yet, this isn't his house," "This is my house, who does he think he is?" "Everything he throws away was earned penny by penny and he doesn't even care," and "What is wrong with him?"

I don't even know what to say to her to make her feel better because I'm having a hard time seeing his point of view enough to even begin to justify it. I'm pretty sure some other issues are making these situations worse too, but I specifically talk about him throwing away stuff because that's what caused me to write this and the house is often what comes between mom and brother most.

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Another major issue that I think is related to how mom feels about him is that he's constantly asking for money from her despite knowing that mom and I combined aren't making as much as him. It's extremely frustrating for me because mom and I put out earning together for household needs, but nothing he earns goes to the family. He doesn't have any bills to pay. Mom is still even paying for his car and insurance. She asked if he would at least pay for his own car payments, but he declines, saying he's trying to save money. I tell her she has to tell him to do it, not ask him to but she won't bring it up again. She doesn't have a problem with him asking for money, but the way he asks for money is usually by asking her to come with him somewhere (such as the market) then getting what he wants and waiting for her to pay. I'm assuming from his perspective maybe he feels embarrassed to flat out ask for money, but can't help also feeling like she's being tricked and he's taking advantage of the fact that she wants to spend time with him to get her to pay for him. She says she thinks he's trying to drain her retirement fund. He once brought the retirement fund up once saying, "Retire from what? She doesn't even work." I explain that her having no funds means we will have to care for her financially if she has no savings. He seemed to accept that explanation, but probably doesn't think much of it.

Now, I'm not entirely on her side, because I will agree with my brother that mom has been lazy through our lives growing up. It is probably her biggest flaw. We both (and even my dad) had some resentment towards her for never doing much around the house despite being unemployed and home all the time while my dad worked himself to the bone to support the family, including cleaning and cooking. I wouldn't consider her a bad mother though as she was and still is always present, loving, and supportive and I can tell she always thinks of us. In fact, despite my dad's feelings he had told me he think it's better she doesn't do work due to her health issues so I assume they mutually agreed for her not to work. I suppose her efforts may not have been as appreciated by my brother since dad did everything mom did and more. I'll admit, she does make plenty of messes but she does a also clean after my brother a lot... Way more than he realizes, that's for sure.

I know he doesn't respect her and doesn't appreciate her. He recently told me that in middle school and high school he believed she hated him and didn't believe in him (he told her he wanted to start eating healthier but she laughed it off and didn't think it would last long), but I know that she never hated him because she had admitted to me that she actually favored him over me (because he was momma's boy growing up and I was always obviously daddy's girl) back when I had asked her why she let him yell at her and treat her the way he did. He says he regrets not spending more time with my dad while he was alive but doesn't seem to think that he may feel the same about our mom. He says he never bothered to spend time with our parents because he assumed I was their favorite because I was always with them (I've always heard people say their biggest regrets were not spending enough time with their parents so I would actively find ways to spend time with them. Plus, I was sick throughout middle and high school so they were pretty much stuck with me as I wasn't in school most of the time anyway.) I've now told him about mom saying she favored him though I'm not sure he believes it.

They won't even tell each other any of the stuff they've told me. Mom gets defensive easily when confronted with criticism but she may still listen if I approach her properly, but brother gets loud and angry when confronted and mom and I are both afraid of dealing with him like that, plus it's hard to get time to have a serious talk with him anyway. Mom doesn't even show him her anger and acts like everything is fine, but tells me about it once he's gone. He wouldn't listen to her anyway as I've seen from the first and last time they fought about it. He would only ever listen to my dad but he can't help now. Both of them think I'm on their side so I may have an advantage on trying to get them to listen.

To be clear, I don't necessarily think my brother is trying to be totally hostile with his actions. He is harsh on what he keeps of his own belongings too, but mom tends to be the one who has to pay for all the items he ends up needing to replace. I tell her to stop giving him money to do this and maybe he'll understand how wasteful he's being but she is too scared to say no, and I still see a problem with him thinking he has a right to decide what someone else is allowed to own too.

Kicking him out probably won't even be considered as living with parents until marriage is still pretty normal in our culture. I highly doubt mom would ever consider bringing it up, especially after my parents promised to always keep their doors open to us. (But mom and I both agreed that we can't wait for him to move out...)

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TL;DR: My brother throws away anything he doesn't think we need or use (even irreplaceable thing), especially with my mom, even when knowing losing certain things will upset her, and insist she should just buy another when she needs it. Mom feels like he's trying to get rid of her and is wasting her money. They are both angry any only communicating their sides through me. I don't want their relationship to be ruined but both of them are hard to confront.

Submitted April 28, 2019 at 07:49AM by Always__Anxious http://bit.ly/2PEGvww